The Humor Enthusiast Gifts

It's a new government directive requiring us to be 58% more cheerful within 18 months.

It is important to give your dog opportunities to play with people.

The Department of Really Stupid Ideas: 'Most people think they just appear out of thin air! But the truth is, there's a great deal of very hard work involved!'

The Games Man: Fishing is his sole form of exercise - but he considers it bad form to move more than his wrist when casting.

"Tell me about this fear of couches."

'I'm reading aloud, Jeremy - My lips are SUPPOSED to be moving!'

"Welcome to the bank - you'll start at the bottom."

Project Length As Measured In Dog Years

"Go ahead and eat her, she's a pain in the a**."

Zombie standup

'In its new 'spirit of evenhandedness,' the U. S. Government today sent troops to occupy all foreign countries....'

"Thor! I am Thor! Ha. Just kidding. I'm Tom the Seagull."

Police Feline Unit

"His first out-of-body experience."

'Why don't they make thumb-flavored baby food?'

"Clear my schedule for the next five minutes. I feel the need for some spontaneous frivolity."

Formal SuitsBusiness SuitsBirthday Suits.

"What's a patent?"

'Yes, I know there's a deadline on this project.'

Men find this shampoo irresistible. It's called 'Gee, Your Hair Smells Like A New Car'.

Desk trays - 'in', 'out', and 'one of these days'.

'The history of Glue. It's impossible to put down.'

'Joe took the day off to go to the ball game. So I'll be sitting in for him until he gets back. Would you like me to fetch you something?'

'Well, it's your fault for wearing my slippers.'

'I hate to be so skeptical, but I still think the seance business is a hoax!'

'Why didn't he take 8 days and finish the job properly?'

"So, tell me a little bit more about this house training you mention on your CV."

"Do you, Darlene, take Jim to be your lawfully wedded husband, when you could, clearly, do far better?"

'It's a deal, lets sniff bottoms!'

"I call it 'Bad Dog.'"

Easter Island legs

"I know you didn't order the snails, sir. They're complimentary with the salad."

"My emotional support dog ate my comfort food."