The Humor Aficionado Pillows

'I'm afraid we're not able to offer you a raise but in five years you could be in line to get your own work pencil.'

It is important to give your dog opportunities to play with people.

The Games Man: Fishing is his sole form of exercise - but he considers it bad form to move more than his wrist when casting.

'I'm reading aloud, Jeremy - My lips are SUPPOSED to be moving!'

"Welcome to the bank - you'll start at the bottom."

"Yes. I said 2 by 2, but you needed to use 2 by 4s for the Ark...begin again."

Project Length As Measured In Dog Years

"You're losing the audience. Switch to the Powerpoint presentation."

"Go ahead and eat her, she's a pain in the a**."

"Thor! I am Thor! Ha. Just kidding. I'm Tom the Seagull."

Zombie standup

"Do you want to pretend to be a doctor and I'll pretend to be a hotshot civil litigation attorney who sues you till your ears bleed?"

Hey, calm down --- Now, what did you say again?

Police Feline Unit

'The proliferation of bird watchers make me more and more self-conscious...'

"What's a patent?"

Formal SuitsBusiness SuitsBirthday Suits.

"Clear my schedule for the next five minutes. I feel the need for some spontaneous frivolity."

Men find this shampoo irresistible. It's called 'Gee, Your Hair Smells Like A New Car'.

"Why do they do that?"

'Well, it's your fault for wearing my slippers.'

'I hate to be so skeptical, but I still think the seance business is a hoax!'

Desk trays - 'in', 'out', and 'one of these days'.

'The history of Glue. It's impossible to put down.'

'Joe took the day off to go to the ball game. So I'll be sitting in for him until he gets back. Would you like me to fetch you something?'

'Why didn't he take 8 days and finish the job properly?'

Easter Island legs

"Cheers! Well, this is exciting. I've never had a dinner date with a duck before." "Relax, honey. I'm just here for the bread."

"Cat box"

'Think I preferred the old Irish barman.'

"Ooh, I must sit down - I'm dead on my feet!"

Love at First Sight

"I know you didn't order the snails, sir. They're complimentary with the salad."

"I call it 'Bad Dog.'"

'It's a deal, lets sniff bottoms!'