The Complaint Connoisseur Gifts

"The hotel was old and rotten, the service was lousy, but my wife really enjoyed the vacation because she had so much to moan about!"

'If this is tea, I'll have a coffee. If it's a coffee, I'll have a tea!'

"War is hell and so is this soup."

'If God had meant us to fly, he'd give us more leg room.'

'I wanted this on the rocks.'

In, Out, Complain.

"I hear you've a complaint about the eggs..."

Complaints departement for men and women.

"Waiter, there's a hair in my soup!"

'A word of advice, the squeaky wheel gets the totally organic, 0 trans-fat, soy-based lubricant.'

'Someday we'll look back on this and think, ‘Why the hell didn't we sue?' '

'... Further to our telephone conversation of the 3rd, my fax of the 11th, my letters of the 16th, 23rd and 28th, my emails of....'

Complaints clerk to consumer: A hair in your TV dinner? Maybe it belongs to a celebrity!

Continental Breakfast...$2.99: 'What continent is THIS supposed to represent?'

"That's the Ommbudsman."

'I wish you would come to me first with your grievances, instead of going directly to the United Nations Committee on Human Rights.'

'I thought I'd seen everything, and then my wife came up with tofu fajitas.'

Moanathon.

"You say that life is suffering, but isn't it also complaining?"

"We only shop brick and mortar because my husband likes to be disgruntled face-to-face when returning things."

Airline concerns.

'I hate them too. Listen, would you like to go out sometime? Dinner maybe? We could complain about the service.'

'Hello, Room Service?'

Wine, Whine. Unwind.

"My left buttock is noticeable larger than my right and my dog is missing his hind legs."

'There's supposed to be 56 million bubbles in a bottle of Champagne -- I only counted 54, 325,775.'

"True, the fly is not in my soup. But it took one taste of my soup and dropped dead."

"Just eat your alphabet soup Harold."

'How long do I have to sit like this? My neck is stiff, my arms ache. I've got pins and needles...'

'To be honest, you're the only one who sometimes bothers to hear my complaints.'

"How am I supposed to know what I want to complain about before you've even said anything?"

"There's a grouch on my couch."