The Complaint Connoisseur Gifts

"The hotel was old and rotten, the service was lousy, but my wife really enjoyed the vacation because she had so much to moan about!"

'If this is tea, I'll have a coffee. If it's a coffee, I'll have a tea!'

"War is hell and so is this soup."

'If God had meant us to fly, he'd give us more leg room.'

'I wanted this on the rocks.'

Man from refuse department says: 'We'll send you a new wheelie bin, Mrs Trubshaw, there's really no need to 'orchestrate a mass Twitter campaign'.'

In, Out, Complain.

"I hear you've a complaint about the eggs..."

Complaints departement for men and women.

"Waiter, there's a hair in my soup!"

'Someday we'll look back on this and think, ‘Why the hell didn't we sue?' '

'A word of advice, the squeaky wheel gets the totally organic, 0 trans-fat, soy-based lubricant.'

'... Further to our telephone conversation of the 3rd, my fax of the 11th, my letters of the 16th, 23rd and 28th, my emails of....'

Complaints clerk to consumer: A hair in your TV dinner? Maybe it belongs to a celebrity!

"That's the Ommbudsman."

Continental Breakfast...$2.99: 'What continent is THIS supposed to represent?'

'I wish you would come to me first with your grievances, instead of going directly to the United Nations Committee on Human Rights.'

'I thought I'd seen everything, and then my wife came up with tofu fajitas.'

'He's sending it back....again! I swear this guy can't get no satisfaction.'

Moanathon.

"You say that life is suffering, but isn't it also complaining?"

"We only shop brick and mortar because my husband likes to be disgruntled face-to-face when returning things."

'I hate them too. Listen, would you like to go out sometime? Dinner maybe? We could complain about the service.'

Airline concerns.

'When I said you should complain about your steak I didn't mean whining about it on twitter.'

'Hello, Room Service?'

"Just eat your alphabet soup Harold."

'How long do I have to sit like this? My neck is stiff, my arms ache. I've got pins and needles...'

"True, the fly is not in my soup. But it took one taste of my soup and dropped dead."

Wine, Whine. Unwind.

"My left buttock is noticeable larger than my right and my dog is missing his hind legs."

"How am I supposed to know what I want to complain about before you've even said anything?"

"There's a grouch on my couch."

After eating here for years, I've come down with abdominal pain and fatigue. Oh yeah? Also, irritability, sleep problems, headaches, loss of appetite, inexplicable weight loss, vomiting and constipation. Also, it took me three whole hours to figure out my new Apple watch, so chalk me up for learning difficulties. You're not by chance trying to get in one last lawsuit before Trump deregulates everything, are you? Heavens, no. Just feeling a little lead-poisony is all I'm saying.

'To be honest, you're the only one who sometimes bothers to hear my complaints.'