Testimonies Gifts

'I swear to tell the truth, the whole truth and nothing but the truth ... almost.'

Fairy Library - Frontispiece to Jack and the Beanstalk

Santa, Alien, Easter Bunny and Sasquatch plan the perfect caper.

Silence of the Chickens...

"I like movies that resemble my life, so I don't feel like I'm wasting time watching a movie."

"Actually, it is a bad time — I’m rushing to get the kids out of the oven."

Password Error: Snow White and the seven dwarfs not recognised as eight characters.

"First, I sent a rocket of a drive down the fairway, then I took the 7-iron, put that ball on the green...a hundred and eighty yards if it was an inch..."

Goodnight Moon for the Misbegotten

',,, and if anyone knows of a reason why these two should not be married, let them storm this castle with pitchforks and torches or forever hold their peace,'

"... And this one needs a shot of vodka."

"We need to stop sharing one set of clothes."

Turning Japanese: I really think so.

Moby Dick

"You're ruining our reputation, Bob!"

"So you're just now tellin' me I was hatched from an egg and I coulda' left years ago?!?"

'What can you wish for?!... Oh, I don't know... Infinite wealth, beautiful women throwing themselves at your feet, fame and admiration, perhaps?... But, don't let me influence you.'

"Before I fight this dragon and rescue you, can I ask a few questions? Like, do you want kids? What's your passion? Where is 'home' to you? Do you have a financial philosophy?"

Fifty Shades of Gray

"I'll probably die an old woman before I get that bedtime story."

Memoirs: Fiction/Non Fiction.

'That's my weird Uncle Benny. He claims that he was abducted by aliens in white lab coats.'

'Of course he didn't believe the stork story. Try telling him we made him with a 3D printer.'

Horny Nanny Seeks Lonely Goat Herd.

"It doesn't say, son, who they pawned the kittens off on after the flood."

"They called me Dumbo. A memoir of redemption."

"If you need anything in the building, just call the super. This is the only known photo of him."

'Please, Grandpa Turkey! Tell us about the Christmas massacre and the Thanksgiving bloodbath!'

'Tarzan's younger brother, Ed, was raised by sloths.'

"I wouldn't worry about the big bab wolf - he can't muster much puff."

Adam and Eve in Paradise