Patient Tales Gifts

Are you sure you're not holding your breath?

'Is there another doctor in the house? He wants a second opinion.'

"I hope you don't mind - I'm training a brand-new assistant and I've asked her to check your blood pressure."

Being Serenading in Casualty

"The doctor will now glance in passing at you."

Hospital porter leaving brain behind

'The doctors ruled out a remarkable recovery. You'll get better, they just don't think it'll be all that remarkable.'

'Don't get any ideas, mister -- I recognize that look in your eye!'

"Do you have someone to drive you home after your surgery? My car's in the shop and I could really use a ride."

'Be careful, Doctor Trefz, she doesn't like men!'

'You're fine. Now get out of my office!'

"Your wife says she's experiencing nausea. Could you leave the room?"

"...The sun sank slowly in the west. Time slowed down to a crawl, and there was no reason to hurry. The tortoise knew he had time to kill. Haste makes waste, he thought..."

'Death doesn't frighten me, but the night nurse does...'

'Nurse, that isn't a catheter you've just inserted. It's the other end of my hosepipe!'

'I couldn't get the cap off the prescription bottle. What did you die of?'

'What possessed you to stick a fork into the toaster?' 'It's easy to be wise after the event!'

'Well, a quick yank didn't work, either. Let's get you some lower tack bandages.'

"He's one tough cookie. I've never seen anyone bounce back from an autopsy before."

Chess players covered in cobwebs

"How are you since you swallowed that £2 coin?. . .Has there been any change?"

"First the good news - I found my Rolex from your last operation."

"Quite unexpected......he just slipped into 'Happy Baby' and we never got him back."

'The test results are in and I just lost a $300 bet with the coroner.'

"Uh, oh...I was supposed to rub this on your back..."

"Yesss, I've cured many cases of hypochondria with a hypodermic."

'Next we tried continuous intravenous drip fluid therapy...'

He waited patiently, but his chips refused to fall.

'The good news is, we were able to save your leg'.

"When you're waiting for Spring Break, the minutes might as well be decades."

Flo tries to look dignified while waiting to hand in her stool sample.

'I'm afraid your conditions shows no improvement over last time, Mr. Ferguson -- you must still be doing enjoyable things.'

'A P.S. on his 'Do not resuscitate' from: 'On second thought, resuscitate'.'

'Does this mean no sex tonight?'