Hospital Tales Gifts

'Don't get any ideas, mister -- I recognize that look in your eye!'

"The doctor will now glance in passing at you."

"Do you have someone to drive you home after your surgery? My car's in the shop and I could really use a ride."

"You're private. With NHS patients I just stand by the bed."

"Your wife says she's experiencing nausea. Could you leave the room?"

"I hope you don't mind - I'm training a brand-new assistant and I've asked her to check your blood pressure."

'I'd like a second opinion, doctor.'

Being Serenading in Casualty

'I'll give it back to you in a second hon, I just want to get this broccoli out of my teeth.'

We charge $500 for every nook and $1,200 for every cranny during diagnosis.

Hospital porter leaving brain behind

Are you sure you're not holding your breath?

Musical Accidents

'He'll need some blood thinner immediately, but go grab me a sandwich first.'

"The small neat scar was from the surgery. The long jagged scar is where I sneezed."

"Our operators are all busy. You are second in the queue."

"You can have a local anesthetic or imported."

'He's always talking about all of his operations.'

'The good news is the diseases you've mangaed to avoid far outnumber the diseases you've got.'

"We offer free delivery if you spend over $15,000."

"He did it again. Slipped out and replaced himself with a bunch of lumpy pillows."

Casualty

'Well, we finally figured out what the problem is...your warranty expired.'

'Death doesn't frighten me, but the night nurse does...'

'Nurse, that isn't a catheter you've just inserted. It's the other end of my hosepipe!'

'Promise me Doc: If I don't make it, don't let my family anywhere near me...'

'Well, a quick yank didn't work, either. Let's get you some lower tack bandages.'

'What possessed you to stick a fork into the toaster?' 'It's easy to be wise after the event!'

"He's one tough cookie. I've never seen anyone bounce back from an autopsy before."

Did I remember to TIVO today's medical shows?

"Quite unexpected......he just slipped into 'Happy Baby' and we never got him back."

"First the good news - I found my Rolex from your last operation."

"How are you since you swallowed that £2 coin?. . .Has there been any change?"

'The test results are in and I just lost a $300 bet with the coroner.'

'-and the look on his face when you overtook him in the Car Wash!'