Quirky Hospital Tales Gifts

"Quite unexpected......he just slipped into 'Happy Baby' and we never got him back."

"I hope you don't mind - I'm training a brand-new assistant and I've asked her to check your blood pressure."

Being Serenading in Casualty

"I didn't see the coffee table in the middle of the room, due to my visual impairment, caused by the rubbish light emitted by the government approved 150 watt energy saving bulb in my apartment..."

"She's losing a lot of cream cheese. We're going to have to cut her open."

'How the heck could we lose a $14,000 pacemaker?!'

"The doctor will now glance in passing at you."

Hospital porter leaving brain behind

'Don't get any ideas, mister -- I recognize that look in your eye!'

Are you sure you're not holding your breath?

'Well my inner diagnostician thinks your inner diagnostician is completely off the wall.'

'It's me, Jack Gurkenman! I'm your ophthalmologist with the broken left ankle, doctor!'

"I'm removing the liver.. No, the kidneys... Presure, pressure, what's that blobby thing?"

"Do you have someone to drive you home after your surgery? My car's in the shop and I could really use a ride."

"The small neat scar was from the surgery. The long jagged scar is where I sneezed."

"Your wife says she's experiencing nausea. Could you leave the room?"

"He did it again. Slipped out and replaced himself with a bunch of lumpy pillows."

'Nurse, that isn't a catheter you've just inserted. It's the other end of my hosepipe!'

"They're to remind me to change your bandages."

'Young man, haven't you ever heard of the hippocratic oath?'

'What possessed you to stick a fork into the toaster?' 'It's easy to be wise after the event!'

"He's one tough cookie. I've never seen anyone bounce back from an autopsy before."

'I TOLD you that I have high blood pressure!'

"How are you since you swallowed that £2 coin?. . .Has there been any change?"

'Always the last place you look.'

"First the good news - I found my Rolex from your last operation."

"What do I do? He refuses to sleep on his own."

"They cured me - then again, I don't have as many preexisting conditions."

'I see you've been calling a lot for that pretty night nurse again!'

"My son is failing out of medical school, so to help him get extra credit, I'm allowing him to operate on you."

'Next we tried continuous intravenous drip fluid therapy...'

'The good news is, we were able to save your leg'.

"My lousy ex is in hospital with concussion again..."

'Been here awhile?'

'It's nothing to worry about - Just a routine procedure, Mrs Dawson. We call it the Mrs Dawson Procedure.'