Teenage Sarcasm Appreciator Pillows

'Kevin! Would it kill you to pick up some clothes around here?' 'Don't wanna risk it, Mom...'

"Living in a city with functional infrastructure must be so boring."

'This time we're going to do things right. And if that doesn't work, we'll just go back to stealing.'

"I'd like the garden salad with the blue cheese dressing, and my mother would like me married by age thirty."

"Oooh... Look, honey. Scarlet macaws! You know, they mate for life." "That's what you think."

He's in training for the rugby World Cup.

"So, you say I'll be doubling the numbers of animals I kill?"

"Really? They're now giving out non-participation trophies?"

"Lost my job. But I'm pretty sure it's around here somewhere."

"Someone throw him a punchline!"

The Snarky District

While old, sick, and weak animals remained targets, the lions most enjoyed culling the herd of its sarcastic teenagers.

"To address this mistake we must be professional and use root-cause analysis. I'll start by saying it's not my fault...."

"Does anyone know where we keep the unwritten rules?"

Pharaoh Cocoon

"I just edited your Wikipedia entry." "Big whoop." "What a coincidence, that's what scientists have classified you as: Bigwhoop." "...The much grumpier, much louder, and much, much older second cousin of Bigfoot." "You lousy son of a..." "Wait... thank you. That's very flattering."

"'How We Die' - fabulous!"

"He's my smart-aleck twin."

'My firm has an entire department that does nothing but adjust for inflation.'

"I always try to give out at least one genuine compliment per day. I don't always succeed."

"I do have a special someone, but he sucks."

"Of course I won't forget to tell you when quarantine's over!"

'How effective is this new weight-loss regime?' 'We can guarantee you'll lose £50 at your signing on.'

"I've edited your Wikipedia entry again, Sadie. You're about to be inundated with phone calls from the press." "Whatever, geek-boy." "You're now the world's foremost authority on Turkey leprosy, the disease that's threatening to ruin the holidays." "No one'll believe that." "Oh yeah? I wrote a Wikipedia page for Turkey leprosy, too, along with examples of all the historical figures it's killed, such as the Archduke of Crushistan." "There is no 'Crushistan.'" "I've written a Wikipedia entry for C

"We don't have sex any more, we argue about money and you hate my mother. We should be married."

"Nice haircut."

"Sometimes, Cheryl, I wonder why you only invite me along to cocktail parties."

"And lastly, for my infinite perseverance, self-control and fortitude, I'd like to thank the Internet trolls."

Batsford doesn't suffer fools gladly.

"If I ever start turning into my father do me a favor and don't turn into my mother."

"This cheap can of domestic beer has a bouquet reminiscent of...beer."

Don't worry, the first thirty years working here are the hardest.

"Miss Duxbury, put me through to someone."

'You don't have the muscles to buy a muscle car, dear.'