Teen Talk Master Gifts

'A little bird is tellin' me that you has bin dissin' your parents, init?'

'You're texting? Wait--'

"Sure I used drugs when I was your age, but they were all prescribed for acne."

"A major crime publisher is interested in publishing your homework!"

An English and French student converse.

'These are very powerful tranquilizers for when your teen has he horrific tantrums. Take two of them anytime she flares up.'

Ventriloquism For Beginners.

'I wouldn't worry too much about his communication skills....grunting is perfectly normal at his age!'

The Art of Bantering!

'Hold on, there might be someone more interesting on the other line...'

"What might you have written that I might say I've read?"

He took every chance to practice his talk.

I heard you're going to Mars to star on some reality show. Yep. Mars One. We launch ten years from now. Ten years? You don't have the attention span to wait ten minutes. In ten years, you'll have forgotten all about this. And when that day comes, I will mock and berate you mercilessly. You'll be dead in ten years. Ridiculing you gives me a reason to go on! Being around you gives me a reason to go to Mars.

Just think! If the mall goes bust, what happens to all that paved-over land? Save our mall. We could roll up the asphalt and start a huge nature preserve. What about current wildlife? Hmm�You're right. I don't think the endangered species act covers mall rats.

"Watch out for Bernie...he's a man of few words but a lot of gestures."

'I'm not naturally dense you know...Its taken years of practice.'

'Copy and study this list of text message spelling words. We will have test tomorrow.'

"Seriously! My mother says she remembers when all you could do with a cell phone was make calls."

Late night? I don't know what you are talking about! Come on, Twig. You can tell me. My mom is giving me a hard time. About? She's freaking just because I started

Wanna hang later? Yep. You meatheads are standing side-by-side texting! Why not just talk to each other?! Because: Your eyeballs are burned away from staring at your screens and you can't see actual reality!!!! I hear strange rhetorical noises. Put on your iPod LOUD and they'll go away.

"Young man, you'd better get my priorities straight."

'Officer Root will never believe the car was stolen. He knows we have four teenagers'

"Wow, that was short. You only talked for 45 minutes. What happened?"

"Of course your parents embarrass you. That's what parents are for."

'Have a nice day... And I don't say that to just anybody.'

Nyah! Everyone has a boyfriend except Twig! Teddy! Stop! Who cares? I don't need a boy to validate my self-worth. Very mature! I'm proud of you.

I'm waiting to see the doctor. I got hit by a hockey ball. There are tons of kids with sports injuries ahead of me. Actually, it's not a drag at all. It's a great place to meet guys.

Word up!

When I wet the bed at my first sleepover? Worse. When I asked what they served at the bar at Josh's Bar Mitzvah? Worse. I give up. What humiliating experience did you just endure? Shudder. My mom said she's taking me bra shopping. At least you need to go bra shopping.

"Stop randomly texting angry emojis, then put your phone down and your hands up."

"OK, let's try the old 'tell Mommy her sweatpants make her look skinny distractor' on three."

Didn't read the book, missed the movie, but caught the theme park ride.

'You still have the fish shop then.'

"We were hoping for something other than 'Whatever' as answers to our survey questions."

Health class is such a waste! Why would anyone want to have a baby if they can't take care of it? Hold that thought!