Teacher's Pet Satirist Gifts

Empty Headed Schoolboy

What do MD and PHD mean? It means the doctor owes a lot of money in student loans.

"Of course I failed you — your essay was original and unique and obviously written by a human."

'The reason the core curriculum seems so ambiguous is that we dot really have a core curriculum.'

'I have answers to the kind of questions no one likes to ask.'

'We built this city on Rock 'n' Roll, yeah baby. Is not an accurate assessment of our town's history.'

"I figure I have about 20 years of school to go."

Math Teacher

"Defense budget... Do you have any idea how much catnip $700 billion would buy?"

'If 'x' is unknown, why should I rock the boat?'

"... And don't come back until you're ready to get funny."

"11th Grade Math for Nincompoops"

"Guess what. School is presented without commercial interruption."

'Just tell him you mind your teacher and do your lessons. You don't have to prove it.'

'Hmmm, everyone seems to have prepared for the exam except for Thomas who's making a long face now.'

"I try to keep my classes relevant."

"I wish every teacher came with a warning label."

"I don't know about you, but I don't like being a high school guidance counselor."

"When I said my teacher had no class I meant class was canceled."

'No Mis Evans. You know only substitute teachers are allowed to carry taser guns!'

"Every sixth grade substitute is offered an optional cyanide pill."

'A restaurateur prepares macaroni and sells it as pasta. I want you to do the same for the educational program at your school.'

I will not waste chalk kid...

"That's excellent, Caroline!"

Did You Miss Me?

"I can tell you're an excellent teacher."

'Can I go home now, before I get overeducated?'

"Just don't draw on the walls, that never comes off!"

'It actually stands for 'substitute' but it keeps the children in line.'

'I thought I was ready for anything they could throw at me. I didn't know they had tomatoes.'

"...And you get hazardous pay for study hall periods."

"Maybe school's a good thing... I mean...where else do hundreds of people with similar backgrounds come together under one roof...all following a daily routine...with guidance and supervision to better themselves and society? Ya know...besides prison?"

'Think Basics.'

"You have to not only show your answer, you have to show how you got your answer."

'Teacher says I don't pay attention, I have no retention but I'm great at detention.'