Teacher's Pet Satirist Gifts

Empty Headed Schoolboy

What do MD and PHD mean? It means the doctor owes a lot of money in student loans.

"Of course I failed you — your essay was original and unique and obviously written by a human."

'The reason the core curriculum seems so ambiguous is that we dot really have a core curriculum.'

'We built this city on Rock 'n' Roll, yeah baby. Is not an accurate assessment of our town's history.'

"I figure I have about 20 years of school to go."

'If 'x' is unknown, why should I rock the boat?'

Math Teacher

"Defense budget... Do you have any idea how much catnip $700 billion would buy?"

'I have answers to the kind of questions no one likes to ask.'

"... And don't come back until you're ready to get funny."

"11th Grade Math for Nincompoops"

"Guess what. School is presented without commercial interruption."

'Just tell him you mind your teacher and do your lessons. You don't have to prove it.'

'Hmmm, everyone seems to have prepared for the exam except for Thomas who's making a long face now.'

"I don't know about you, but I don't like being a high school guidance counselor."

"Every sixth grade substitute is offered an optional cyanide pill."

"When I said my teacher had no class I meant class was canceled."

I will not waste chalk kid...

'A restaurateur prepares macaroni and sells it as pasta. I want you to do the same for the educational program at your school.'

"I wish every teacher came with a warning label."

"I try to keep my classes relevant."

'No Mis Evans. You know only substitute teachers are allowed to carry taser guns!'

"That's excellent, Caroline!"

Did You Miss Me?

"I can tell you're an excellent teacher."

"...And you get hazardous pay for study hall periods."

"Just don't draw on the walls, that never comes off!"

'Think Basics.'

'It actually stands for 'substitute' but it keeps the children in line.'

'Can I go home now, before I get overeducated?'

"Maybe school's a good thing... I mean...where else do hundreds of people with similar backgrounds come together under one roof...all following a daily routine...with guidance and supervision to better themselves and society? Ya know...besides prison?"

'I thought I was ready for anything they could throw at me. I didn't know they had tomatoes.'

"You have to not only show your answer, you have to show how you got your answer."

'Teacher says I don't pay attention, I have no retention but I'm great at detention.'