Talent Show Sceptic Gifts

'There's a refreshing honesty about this programme, dear.'

"Remind me: Is it the New York Critics Award or the Sundance Audience Prize that always lets us down?"

'He went in for the Worst Singer and won first prize in the Gurning competition at the same time!'

"Britain's Got Talent is now in its tenth astonishingly brilliant year!"

Hi, sweetie! How was the talent show? Did they enjoy your Clay Aiken tribute?

The Drummer

Stan Mack's Real Life Funnies: The David Letterman Show Goes to the Dogs, Cats, Birds, Guinea Pigs...

Piers Morgan.

"Lenders are a lot more cautious about 'interest free' mortgages these days. "

Trump commissions song

'... And I'd like to thank my agent and everyone who voted for me... '

The Ox Factor

Executives are evaluated in Dancing With The Stars style.

'That should be an easy act to follow.'

'He can't speak to the dead, but he can speak to the dead.'

'You look and sound like a real pro.'

Banana striptease...

"I'm a TV producer. I can get you on one of those fake judge programs, and you'll both become famous."

"This could be fun! Don't you do magic tricks, Cruz?"

'That was the worst performance I've ever seen.'

"This next song is for all the music teachers who said I'd never make it."

'Thank you! This next song I wrote to prove that we accountants DO know how to be 'cool'.'

Simon Cowell

Well, it's not my fault if nobody bothered to tune the microphone.'

Eh... yes Mister eh... Genghis. Can I just ask where did you get your boots?

'For one of these girls, dreams of royalty are over...'

The ocean is no place for a star.

'I see ol' bug-eyes is back.'

'Usual Saturday night crap.'

"This isn't a reality show. . . it's the news."

"Oh heck, it’s going to be a long night, someone’s pressed the golden buzzer."

"She's good because she is our bookkeeper."

'You call that carol singing?'

'Sorry, I already have a Dancer.'

'...and all going well, definitely no more than 15 minutes of fame!'