Talent Show Judge Gifts

'We're looking for a star, and I truly believe that star could be you...'

Simon Cowell

Piers Morgan.

'Sorry, I already have a Dancer.'

'Frankly, milking machines don't suck as much as you, my dear.' Simon Cow

'He went in for the Worst Singer and won first prize in the Gurning competition at the same time!'

"Britain's Got Talent is now in its tenth astonishingly brilliant year!"

Hi, sweetie! How was the talent show? Did they enjoy your Clay Aiken tribute?

Stan Mack's Real Life Funnies: The David Letterman Show Goes to the Dogs, Cats, Birds, Guinea Pigs...

The Drummer

"Lenders are a lot more cautious about 'interest free' mortgages these days. "

Trump commissions song

'... And I'd like to thank my agent and everyone who voted for me... '

The Ox Factor

"This could be fun! Don't you do magic tricks, Cruz?"

'What have I told you about laughing on purpose, Mother?'

'That should be an easy act to follow.'

'You look and sound like a real pro.'

'He can't speak to the dead, but he can speak to the dead.'

Executives are evaluated in Dancing With The Stars style.

"I'm a TV producer. I can get you on one of those fake judge programs, and you'll both become famous."

"This next song is for all the music teachers who said I'd never make it."

'Thank you! This next song I wrote to prove that we accountants DO know how to be 'cool'.'

Well, it's not my fault if nobody bothered to tune the microphone.'

The ocean is no place for a star.

'...and all going well, definitely no more than 15 minutes of fame!'

Mic Drop

'You call that carol singing?'

"She's good because she is our bookkeeper."

Eh... yes Mister eh... Genghis. Can I just ask where did you get your boots?

'For one of these girls, dreams of royalty are over...'

'Usual Saturday night crap.'

'I see ol' bug-eyes is back.'

"Oh heck, it’s going to be a long night, someone’s pressed the golden buzzer."

'I'm gifted but I hide it well.'