Talent Show Addict Gifts

'In an unexpected development, an illegal alien won 'American Idol.''

"Britain's Got Talent is now in its tenth astonishingly brilliant year!"

Overshadowed by the Tony's: Broadway's Lesser Known Awards

"The end of my favorite series is near."

'No, you can't just watch the end of Bargainhunt!'

"Please don't watch this show! There's a viewer trigger warning and a short fuse alert."

"Not fair! Being really into movies is my thing!"

'The following programme contains scones of a sexual nature.'

"Oh joy. Looks like the turkey is almost done..."

'The inaugural address? It's sort of like an opening monologue.'

Do you go for Hannity or O'Reilly? Tough call. O'Reilly's presence is so big, fearless. Whereas Hannity has a wicked fast tongue and such inner strength. As symbolized externally by his jawline. O'Reilly is so tall. Something strange is happening. Coulter's a bit masculine for my tastes. Ditto. HOJ.

"Lenders are a lot more cautious about 'interest free' mortgages these days. "

'... And I'd like to thank my agent and everyone who voted for me... '

Love Island

"Alright, I'll talk. Just please, stop with the good-cop, ab-cop routine."

Battle chefs

'That should be an easy act to follow.'

Goose escapes the tv.

"This could be fun! Don't you do magic tricks, Cruz?"

'Bad news. Your arm is too injured to hold up those sneakers you endorse on TV.'

The Ox Factor

June Brown

"I'm a TV producer. I can get you on one of those fake judge programs, and you'll both become famous."

'You look and sound like a real pro.'

"This is too hard, but I'd recognize him on his own."

Executives are evaluated in Dancing With The Stars style.

'Thank you! This next song I wrote to prove that we accountants DO know how to be 'cool'.'

"The DNA does not lie Mrs Miggins...or should I call you Don Escobar Bolivian drugs czar?"

'No. 5, please step forward, open your coat, and say, 'ho, ho, ho.''

Simon Cowell

Late one night at the SETI project. 'Don't make us come over there!'

Well, it's not my fault if nobody bothered to tune the microphone.'

'You call that carol singing?'

'We can't get enough of these makeover shows.'

'Would you like a complimentary tour of purgatory?' - 'Yeah, okay.' - 'I have to say... it's more comfy than I'd imagined.' - 'Take a seat. Celebrity Big Brother is on.' - 'Oh, hold on. Can I change the channel, please?!' - 'I'll be back in a bit...'