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"Oh, this old thing?"

"I should have been a pair of ragged claws scuttling across the floors of silent seas."

"Agamemnon and Clytemnestra have decided to separate amicably."

Alice in Wonderland: The Queen Turns into a Pack of Cards.

"I love this time of day."

T.S. Eliot lacks the courage to eat a peach.

Subway Thrillers

Rating the Sunset

'Take Gerald a cup of punch or something, I think he's feeling left out.'

Scot country dancing,

Circus trousers

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'Just think of me as your life coach.'

"He and Carruthers are both doing biographies of Tolstoy, and it's a race to the finish."

'Yes, the owners are giraffes...Did I forget to mention it?...'

Lord of the Rungs: Window Cleaner

'Brian hated his long legs and dinner parties'

Tolkien Characters That Never Made it out of the Author's Notebooks

"The adventures of Robin Hood are becoming a lot less adventurous."

'You just grew three inches.'

"Nothing much. Reading a book by some dead white female."

"I read War and Peace, liked 1/2 of it."

"I'm sorry, Rhett, but now I don't give a damn."

'I still don't believe any of that bunk your friend was giving us about hypnosis.'

"Can you come outside and help me. It appears Fido and I have tied the knot... "

Uproarious hospitality

'Can you remember before we went electric and we were all clockwork eels?'

Matthew Webb

Sword

'Well, technically, Eugene, we're not under the mistletoe...'

"Wake up – you're Tolkien in your sleep again."

'I know a Tail Implant Specialist who can fix that for you.'

"The End."