Sword Swallowing Gifts

Have you got any nails? I'm on a diet.

Foo-chung needed to 'hone' his sword-swallowing techniques, if he was to continue his career!

Lady of the bath...

"Based on the feedback from advisers whom I haven't beheaded, all of my ideas are great."

"We're never going to resolve this if you won't get your own sword."

Warrior Woman

Wouldn't it be cool if we could live in the Middle Ages, Randy? We could roam the countryside on horses and carry swords. We could hang out in taverns and drink ale, maybe earn enough coin to hire a hero … Then we could go on a quest. Maybe slay some golems. I think it's a real sign of intellectual maturity that we haven't even mentioned maidens yet. Real Middle-Ages maidens would eat you for breakfast.

Epic Battles

'Actually, there's no interview necessary. Just pull out the sword and the job's yours.'

"Tonight we dine with the devil. But tomorrow we really need to finish what's left in the fridge."

Decapitated coffee.

"The Captain really, really hates losing at shuffleboard."

"But if we win and the Visigoths lose then we're the wild card."

"But I use all of them!"

"If we're musketeers, why can't we just shoot people? with muskets?"

Triumphant mouse posing like Perseus holding aloft Medusa's head.

"Does it hurt when I do this?"

Pub Kendo.

'After A Knights Hard Day'

"Eddie, what were you thinking? Either wear boots or go barefoot."

'So you have to ask yourself: do you feel lucky?...well do you, monk?'

'That's the new budget team that came on board last week!'

'I'm going out to forge an alliance.'

Sawrd Fighting

King Richard I

The Headless Horseman claims his luggage.

An incident from the Eglinton Tournament, scene 2.

I'm not fighting you until you show me your mask.

Swords for Making America Great Again

"Wouldn't it be cool to live in the middle ages, Randy? We could roam the countryside on horses and carry swords?"

'They say he wears half-inch armor.'

Shirts vs Skins: 'I don't know about this.'

Child to another child - 'En garde!'

Scheduel.

One of the lesser known joys of being a fencing instructor.