Sweetener Swiper Gifts

'I was arrested for stealing too many artificial sweetener packets from restaurants.'

We're here at House of Java cafe at an all-too-familiar scene. House of Java.net Cybercafe. Tommy Jones, a local boy, has been caught stealing a scone. A minor offense? Not to the cafe's proprietor. He's demanding the boy be sentenced as an adult. But I'm eight! Wahhh! Add a year to the sentence for whining and crying.

"I met him on an online dating site. He was on their 'return' section."

'He's a superior breed - He always drinks thru' a straw!'

'Gentlemen, I've been authorized to sweeten the offer.'

'I ran out of sugar, so I used salt.'

Menu Dating

Another day in the Splenda mines

Running Latte

How would Madam like to pay?

"In obedience school, I was voted 'Most likely to chew a slipper'."

"Hey—no cheating!"

'Does your phone have a scanner thingy? I've got a barcode on my butt if you want my number.'

Coffee Overload: 'I'll have a low fat soy latte, no sugar, two biscotti...make that a Columbian-Kenyan bean bend...oh make it snappy, I'm in a hurry!'

"I'm not looking for Mr.Right, Just Mr. Swipe-right!"

Amateurs de vin...

'I'm into natural foods, Joe -- give me a martini with a soybean in it.'

Big smart phone and small tablet.

"I'm in the mood to swipe left on everything."

The Coffee Specialist

A woman with a laptop

'When I get the clumsies, switch me to a sippy-cup.'

"I tried sparkling once, but it just gave me a headache."

Happy 18th Birthday champagne

Wine Shop. Would you like the champagne or the cold duck? Give us the bottled waddle.

Stirrbucks

Tommy, I have a question for you. I didn't do nothin'. We're missing a scone. Now, no one's accusing you of anything. I swear, you've got the wrong guy. I definitely didn't take a scone when you went to check email because I was super hungry. You have the right to remain silent. I did it!

"Do you recall how my eHarmony profile said I love to hike? Well, I lied."

Tunnel of Swiping Right

Glenda, for the 100th time you can not buy the red dress! Put away your bank card now!

'You know, I always buy supermarket cava rather than fancy Champagne, and I challenge anyone to tell the difference.'

"How was my internet date? Put it this way, I went online hoping for broadband; I got dial-up."

"Bring on the cold weather - my credit card is already dangerously over-heated."

'At that speed, you should put racing stripes on your glass.'

Mom's on Tinder