Survey Analyst Gifts

"I was hoping to retire at 60 - but I have to wait until 65 if I want to finish this latest survey."

'And finally question fifty, do you ever feel like killing someone?'

"McNab here is with our consensus engineering department."

"And what do you think of the government's record on housing?"

'Other than the countless probing how would you rate your stay with us?'

'Can you spare a moment for the Universe, sir?'

'We get 183 channels, and I still don't know what I think.'

Check box.

"Our latest survey shows our customers basically want just three things: prompt service, and apology when mistakes occur and to be treated politely..."

What? No brief customer satisfaction survey at the end?

'I'd say he's 10 percent 'pet' and 90 percent 'Lord and Master of All He Surveys'.'

Charities should investigate whether published reports are 'Misleadingly Positive'.

"Exactly how undecided would you say you were at this precise moment?"

'Promise me you'll say Yes / No / Don't know ...'

"Bob wait, let's do the survey first! Sir, on a scale of 1, poor, to 10, excellent, how would you rate our chase today?"

Government survey into the effects of haggis throwing in Ethiopia.

'Shouldn't we be doing this online?'

'Please, Ma'am — I'm running out of paper!'

'For? Against? Undecided? Uniformed? Apathetic? This is one accurate poll!'

U.S. demographic affecting senate representation.

"No, he's not in right now, he's out demographing."

I conduct comprehensive surveys - I ask my girlfriend.

'Yes. No. Sometimes. No. No. Yes. Don't know. Sometimes. Yes. Mo.'

"A new survey shows only 3% of Americans take surveys, but everyone believes the stupid things."

'Apparently, no matter where you are, you're never more than 9 metres away from a government enquiry...'

"What? You were expecting good news? Expectations are so-o-o-o passe."

"Would you have a moment to take a short survey about your experience?"

Surveys and economic interests

'I would have had these reports done sooner, but someone rolled a ball with a bell inside it into my cubicle.'

"Sir, would you take this latest warning of ecological disaster and pooh-pooh it for me?"

First and last day as census taker...

Results of the Tropical Fish Sex Survey

Pollsters: Mori, Gallup and Just Nosey.

I'm just a pollster, ma'am - I have no idea which candidate is a cat person.

"I can never seem to get my report in on time!"