Survey Gifts

'Please, Ma'am — I'm running out of paper!'

Are you a Questionnaire Addict?

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Survey results: 9 out of 10 angels feel that dancing on the head of a pin is demeaning and potentially quite hazardous.

"Probiotics, antibiotics or undecided?"

'I'd say he's 10 percent 'pet' and 90 percent 'Lord and Master of All He Surveys'.'

"Exactly how undecided would you say you were at this precise moment?"

Hello, this is Cable News. Oh. I'm Mortimer Park. As you know, we only have four short years until the next presidential election. So it's time to start asking: Who should run? Whom do you prefer? (A) Al Gore … (B) John Kerry … (C) Marco Rubio … (D) Ted Cruz ... (E) Christ Christie ... House of Java Cybercafe. How about (F) You? Mr. Eugene Yu is actually (T).

"You're right -- this town is big enough for the both of us."

'I'm studying the lay of the land..'

"And what do you think of the government's record on housing?"

"You call yourselves a demographic?"

"That's it - I've had it up to here with measurement devices."

'For? Against? Undecided? Uniformed? Apathetic? This is one accurate poll!'

'Other than the countless probing how would you rate your stay with us?'

I conduct comprehensive surveys - I ask my girlfriend.

"Would you have a moment to take a short survey about your experience?"

'Yes. No. Sometimes. No. No. Yes. Don't know. Sometimes. Yes. Mo.'

"A new survey shows only 3% of Americans take surveys, but everyone believes the stupid things."

"Our latest survey shows our customers basically want just three things: prompt service, and apology when mistakes occur and to be treated politely..."

First and last day as census taker...

"This internet survey is asking me to take another survey rating the survey I'm taking."

Pollsters: Mori, Gallup and Just Nosey.

"Rate your experience and you could win an Amazon gift voucher."

I'm just a pollster, ma'am - I have no idea which candidate is a cat person.

'Can you spare a moment for the Universe, sir?'

"Caution! Now entering the margin of error."

"It's ten o'clock, and seventy-seven per cent of the people think all is well!"

'It's yet another customer survey asking about our last oil change. Was it poor, fair, very good, blissful or orgasmic?'

"Since they graduated, have any of your children moved back in with you?"

"On a scale of one to ten. How happy would you say you are?"

"Good evening. Can I start you off with a customer satisfaction survey?"

"One final question... how did you hear about us/"

"What factors influenced your decision to use this particular exit?"

"Excuse me, sir - I'm conducting a survey about stress in the workplace."