Surgical Buff Gifts

'Scalpel, dammit! Scalpel!'

"It was touch and go for a while, but he's out of the woods now!"

Summer 2000: Children stumble upon the remains of Linda Tripp's old head.

"The bottle says that 'Extreme Hair Growth' is a rare side effect of this medication."

"We need to update your entire operating system."

"The good news is that your cardiac surgery was a complete success. The bad news is that we had to remove the song from your heart."

'This is a wind-up, isn't it?'

'The doctors all tell me that you have great medical insurance. They think your coverage might last through most of the tests that they have scheduled.'

Man with arrow in back - "We're going to run some tests to see if it's psychosomatic."

'...but besides this, how are you doing?'

First clue that the latest medical breakthrough isn't quite there yet - 'Don't worry, I had the same thing...'

"You say you're flossing, but I'm scraping off a lot of tennis ball fuzz."

"I'm only flesh and blood. And, of course, collagen."

"Relax, I'm only hear to see my osteopath."

"There are 206 bones in your body...How would you like one more?"

'I know just how you feel.'

'Why are you giving me an allergy shot. Shouldn't you be giving me an anti-allergy shot?'

"I had no idea that exercising my right of immunity meant this."

Fart Sample.

Hospital Cleaning.

Tommy John Surgery.

'I've got a good idea! Let's take everything out and start from scratch.'

Speaking as an experienced plastic surgeon, believe me when I tell you there's no such thing as a "snout job."

Water: the first medicine

'Lucky for you there was a safety net.'

"Your D.N.A. test shows you're predisposed to sue doctors."

'There's no cure, but the good news is we have some great support groups!'

"Now where was I?"

"My secretary just made me aware of the necessity of investing in the beauty industry."

"I'm from Special Ops."

"Don't be alarmed. It's just our technician photo-bombing your X-ray."

'I had a larger sample for you but I had trouble getting the lid back on. . .'

We flushed your arteries, checked your fluids, and topped off your AB positive, but look at this kidney - When's the last time you had it replaced?

"No, we're not going to reanimate. We're going to sell them to medical schools."

'Half the diabetics were given the new drug and responded well. The other half got a placebo and went into shock.'