Suburban Life Observer Gifts

"Chatty conspiracy theorist neighbor, 12 o’clock. Initiate ‘pretend squirrel chase’ diversion!"

"Bark bark bark bark bark" "Fwd: bark bark bark bark bark" "Fwd: fwd: bark bark bark bark bark" "Fwd: fwd: fwd: bark bark bark bark"

Mulching Vacuum Cleaner

'For goodness sake, Larry, the spare key is under the mat.'

"Living in a city with functional infrastructure must be so boring."

"Couldn't you have just laughed instead of spelling 'LOL' in your alphabet soup?"

"The woman on the fire escape who acted like it was a balcony"

'This country is on the road to ruin.' - 'Well, it'll never get there in this traffic.'

'Wentworth Street, Whitechapel'

"Do you want to be vaguely dissatisfied with Italian or Korean?"

"Legs together, David -- You're hamspreading again."

"The end of my favorite series is near."

"This afternoon, we'll be turning our attention to Guess jeans."

"Of course, the actual honey is all made overseas."

Fire hydrant with regular or sparkling water

Domestic Spying Drones

"No, it's not codependency. The neediness is just in one direction."

When the Job Market Shifts, Always Remember That It's All Your Fault

Down on Bourbon Street...

You trip on it, you buy it.

"Beats me how pregnancy has survived into the modern era. There's no reception desk, product guarantee nor customer service department!"

"He was much more effective in the field."

"Closing averages on the human scene were mixed today. Brotherly love was down two points, while enlightened self-interest gained a half. Vanity showed no movement, and guarded optimism slipped a point in sluggish trading. Over all, the status quo remained unchanged."

The world of surveillance.

Will Kill For Food

"One of your delicious ducks got into my yard yesterday."

"And the tech guy said not to worry if I lost my phone. There's an app for that..."

All You Can Tweet Restaurant.

Man behind stage to lady about professor with person under podium: 'That's Professor Allen's understudy.'

"The neighbors' place is a pig sty! Why can't we have something like that?"

"Your sister got another promotion."

"It was a scary few minutes but now I'm making a fortune as a motivation speaker."

I have a video phone and I'm not afraid to use it.

Old Yarns

Street: The Magazine for Homeless People