Suburban Activities Gifts

"Because when you go first nobody else has any fun, that's why."

"Enough with how great the public schools are. Just tell us – is there a Trader Joe’s nearby?"

"Bark bark bark bark bark" "Fwd: bark bark bark bark bark" "Fwd: fwd: bark bark bark bark bark" "Fwd: fwd: fwd: bark bark bark bark"

'Humans are so considerate: They put perches like these for us on every one of their houses...'

"Let's save a few so we can continue to piss off the neighbors for the next few weeks."

A corner market is taken over by suburban sprawl.

"Entering Minivan Territory: Healthy Snacks Strictly Enforced

"The trees are laughing at us."

"My dream is to have a little house and a white picket fence wired with explosives."

'Henderson always walks away with the neighborhood pumpkin carving contest.'

"Honey, why don’t you tell Tony and Karen about your microdosing-healing-group thingy or whatever the heck it is?"

Beware of the Lawn

"I'm looking for something that says country-but-only-an-hour-and-a-half-drive-from-the-city."

Madison Avenue and Maple Street

"Honestly, all three of them were mistakes."

'Fred's opinion of crab grass is if you can't beat it, join it.'

"If you want to buy this, I'm afraid I'm going to need to see some justification."

"Not only is the grass greener, but check out that Mercedes!"

Autumn Leaves

'The previous owner broke his leash ...I mean, lease.'

"Regular, grande, or lemon latte?"

Moving Van.

"I'm a Big Apple kinda guy, stuck in the Garden State."

"I negotiated. He's going to let us suffocate in our own ennui!"

"Honey, you’ve got to see this one she just left on the neighbor’s lawn—it’s perfect, like showroom condition." "Dan loved his dog."

"So we figured why explore Mars when, closer to home, there's still so much we don't know about the Petersens."

"We're looking for a traditional suburban neighborhood with all the urban amenities."

Intentional Community vs. Community of Sheer Happenstance

THE SMITHS/THE JOHNSONS

'Don't give me that! I know for a fact, he was in my flowerbeds!!'

Country Mouse and City Mouse Meet Suburb Mouse

"I told you everyone was moving out of the city!"

"The Imaginary Playmate Meets the Invisible Fence"

"I'm going green, too. I'm finally going to mow the lawn."

Snow Plowing