Suburban Activities T-Shirts

"Because when you go first nobody else has any fun, that's why."

"Enough with how great the public schools are. Just tell us – is there a Trader Joe’s nearby?"

'Humans are so considerate: They put perches like these for us on every one of their houses...'

"Let's save a few so we can continue to piss off the neighbors for the next few weeks."

"Bark bark bark bark bark" "Fwd: bark bark bark bark bark" "Fwd: fwd: bark bark bark bark bark" "Fwd: fwd: fwd: bark bark bark bark"

A corner market is taken over by suburban sprawl.

"Entering Minivan Territory: Healthy Snacks Strictly Enforced

"The trees are laughing at us."

"My dream is to have a little house and a white picket fence wired with explosives."

'Henderson always walks away with the neighborhood pumpkin carving contest.'

"Honey, why don’t you tell Tony and Karen about your microdosing-healing-group thingy or whatever the heck it is?"

"I'm looking for something that says country-but-only-an-hour-and-a-half-drive-from-the-city."

Beware of the Lawn

Madison Avenue and Maple Street

"Honestly, all three of them were mistakes."

'Fred's opinion of crab grass is if you can't beat it, join it.'

"If you want to buy this, I'm afraid I'm going to need to see some justification."

"Not only is the grass greener, but check out that Mercedes!"

Autumn Leaves

'The previous owner broke his leash ...I mean, lease.'

"I negotiated. He's going to let us suffocate in our own ennui!"

"Honey, you’ve got to see this one she just left on the neighbor’s lawn—it’s perfect, like showroom condition." "Dan loved his dog."

Moving Van.

"I'm a Big Apple kinda guy, stuck in the Garden State."

"Regular, grande, or lemon latte?"

"So we figured why explore Mars when, closer to home, there's still so much we don't know about the Petersens."

Intentional Community vs. Community of Sheer Happenstance

'Don't give me that! I know for a fact, he was in my flowerbeds!!'

"We're looking for a traditional suburban neighborhood with all the urban amenities."

THE SMITHS/THE JOHNSONS

Country Mouse and City Mouse Meet Suburb Mouse

"This happy breed of men, this little world, this blessed plot, this earth, this realm, this east end of Long Island!"

Suburban blues legends

"I'm going green, too. I'm finally going to mow the lawn."

Poker Moms