Suburban T-Shirts

"Let's save a few so we can continue to piss off the neighbors for the next few weeks."

"Enough with how great the public schools are. Just tell us – is there a Trader Joe’s nearby?"

"Because when you go first nobody else has any fun, that's why."

"Bark bark bark bark bark" "Fwd: bark bark bark bark bark" "Fwd: fwd: bark bark bark bark bark" "Fwd: fwd: fwd: bark bark bark bark"

'Humans are so considerate: They put perches like these for us on every one of their houses...'

A corner market is taken over by suburban sprawl.

"Entering Minivan Territory: Healthy Snacks Strictly Enforced

Superman flies Batman over a suburban neighborhood.

"The trees are laughing at us."

"Nice family you’ve got there. Too bad if anything were to happen to them."

"Honey, why don’t you tell Tony and Karen about your microdosing-healing-group thingy or whatever the heck it is?"

Beware of the Lawn

"I'm looking for something that says country-but-only-an-hour-and-a-half-drive-from-the-city."

Tortured Plank

Madison Avenue and Maple Street

"Honestly, all three of them were mistakes."

"You're moving into a place where all the parents live well and all the kids test well."

Skimming out star reflections

'Fred's opinion of crab grass is if you can't beat it, join it.'

"If you want to buy this, I'm afraid I'm going to need to see some justification."

'She wasn't a soccer mom after all -- she was a NINJA mom!'

"Not only is the grass greener, but check out that Mercedes!"

"Dad's home."

Autumn Leaves

'Hey, buddy, this is a cattle subdivision.'

'The previous owner broke his leash ...I mean, lease.'

"Honey, you’ve got to see this one she just left on the neighbor’s lawn—it’s perfect, like showroom condition." "Dan loved his dog."

Moving Van.

"I'm a Big Apple kinda guy, stuck in the Garden State."

"I negotiated. He's going to let us suffocate in our own ennui!"

"So we figured why explore Mars when, closer to home, there's still so much we don't know about the Petersens."

THE SMITHS/THE JOHNSONS

Intentional Community vs. Community of Sheer Happenstance

"We're looking for a traditional suburban neighborhood with all the urban amenities."

'I don't care if the pot roast was a little dry, you had no business condemning poor Gloria to hell!'