Stress-free Slimmer Gifts

"This can't be right. I was supposed to lose 20 lbs before my next annual exam - maybe I should postpone my appointment for ... another year."

"It's all about putting work into the right perspective...and this helps me!"

"Your blood pressure is too high. Take two of these."

"Safe FDIC insured, guaranteed 2.65% APY...check out our new Emotional Support CDs."

"Don’t call the fire department — this is the most relaxed I’ve felt in years."

"Gym for regular people" "No intimidating trainers!" "Lo-tech" "Less is more!" "Not plastic" "Fluffy and scented" "No mirrors" "Full service restaurant"

Life-Work Balance.

Ed listens to one too many relaxation CDs...

"I can't stop thinking about all those available parking spaces back on West Eighty-fifth Street."

Mall Santa's Anonymous: 'Holidays are always the hardest - especially Christmas.'

'An 'out' box AND and 'in' box? Hey' I don't need that kind of stress!'

"I'm burning my little black dresses and moving upstate."

"Sorry I'm late. Argos was a nightmare."

'Call me lazy if you want, but I wouldn't trade my life with anybody else's...'

'Our Community Mental Health Foundation has given us a grant NOT to broadcast the stock market news.'

"Shopping was stress-free this year because I started early and didn't give a s**t what I bought."

"Any idiot can take the rat out of the race. The trick is getting the race out of the rat!"

Roadwork ahead: Proceed cautiously and from love rather than negativity.

"How's the diet going?"

Tax time is simply disgusting.

"Only twelve more hours to go, what are you hoping to bag?!!"

'I was less stressed before we came on holiday.'

Simple Pleasures of the Non-Commuter

"Don't bring the cares of the barn out into the pasture."

"I canceled my membership, but they keep withdrawing money. I've lost 15 pounds so far fighting them in court."

"I'm really good at diets, this is my 50th!"

"That's a service they offer for parents traveling on vacation with their kids."

'Gee! Your diet's beginning to work!'

"Could you help me to fit 9 days work into 5 and still see my family?"

"Looks like my diet was just wishful shrinking."

"You have reached someone who does not answer the phone after 8 p.m. If this is a matter of life and death, it will likely be resolved by morning."

'I finally had everything together. . . and then I lost my organizer.'

Slow down or you'll never see 18.

'I want to lose another 40 pounds, so I'm staying in until June.'