Stout Sipper Gifts

'You are what you drink. In your case it's stout.'

"When you've seen one bottle of stout you've seen the lot."

"Think of it as twenty one in human years. I'll take a bourbon and toilet water."

'I had my attorney draw this up. It states that if I choose to rise, I don't necessarily have to shine.'

Guy at drink stand says to Medium: 'Medium?'

"Christmas - what a fuss eh?"

"Moments like this make me glad I taught you how to fetch mojitos."

'I don't know what he gets up to in there, but it keeps him busy.' (Noises are recorded, man reads paper, has beer.)

"Bad morning. I was running late and skipped my coffee, diet soda, energy drink and Ritalin."

City Boy.

"Our fresh seasonal hand-crafted brews contain a full serving of spring vegetables."

'I swear, if he didn't always pick up the tab, I'd never go drinking with him.'

"I want to be a more interesting person. Think maybe watching old black and white movies would do it?"

The last song before the party exploded.

"...Stop complaining if it wasn't for the mosquitoes you wouldn't get any exercise at all!"

"My inner child wants to have a playdate with your inner child."

Vending machines with junk food: 'Zing!', 'Zoom!' and 'Crash!'

"Hey! There's a hair in my soup!"

Beach flirting

"Humpty Dumpty sat on a wall, fell, and retained a brilliant attorney."

'Now time for a coffee while hubby cleans up the mess.'

'Would you like some of our house wine? I just made it.'

"I'm a retriever but I prefer 'Go-Getter'."

'I told her my biological clock was going off, and she hit my snooze alarm.'

'Gee, mom, you know I want to visit - I'm just so darned busy.'

Milton wonders if it would be possible to substitute scotch and sex for tea and sympathy.

Complaints Desk

Anton's Bar and Grill

"Detox is two doors back, bro' - this is retox!"

A very fine vintage

"Our seasonal special is spiced pumpkin apple butternut squash ale. Would you like that in a frosted mug or over ice cream?"

'Just wait until I'm introduced to carbonated beverages!'

'Come to order' 'I'll have a burger, hold the mayo, and a large cola.'

'Dad, is this like ... you doing your own thing?'

"Mom, what kind of soup do we eat when we're sick?"