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". . . so a duck walks into a . . ."

"It happened at a book burning. It was one of those books I couldn't put down."

'Dad says we have to walk 20 miles in the snow, barefoot, just to get to the first ride.'

"Do you see yourself becoming a movie in five years?"

The Fourth Little Pig

'You're going to have your future cut out for you, reading bedtime stories.'

Saint George and the Drag Queen

'Where was the TSA?'

Audio Books

"Finally, the alphabet is paying off."

'Dad's bedtime story was decent, but the special effects were non-existent.'

"Bram Stoker's Bambi"

Grizzly bears are gregarious animals.

"How was I supposed to know that the apple was a controlled substance?"

"Siri, who’s the fairest of them all?"

Eurydice is bitten by a snake

"Recalculating route..."

Little Buttercup HMS Pinafore

Goodnight Moon for the Misbegotten

Ant story: 'and so they worked all day and they worked all night and then they worked some more, the end.'

"If you insist on doing all the voices, Dad. Don't you think father bear should have a deeper voice than Goldilocks?"

"Only one pailful? Did they have water restrictions like we do?"

'I've had the place gob-stopper-dashed.'

See, Catty-O? I told you dinner was included with admission.

"What your memoir really needs is an addiction."

'You were great at 'Daniel in the Lion's Den!' -- I'd sure like to hear you do 'The Three Little Pigs' sometime!'

"The bear whose porridge was too hot...did he sue?"

This is the new Director's Cut version of Hansel and Gretel...with additional scenes and three alternative endings!!!

Moby Dick

"And that's when the therapist suggested… exposure therapy!"

'Fyodor Dostoevsky sends weeks describing Alexy Karamazov's quest for a white whale, and then discards the entire chapter."

Hansel and Gretal

"I'm sad to hear everybody lived happily ever after. That means no sequels to this story."

"It's true, mommy...the chocolate bunny attacked me - it was self-defense!"