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"I think I've acquired some wisdom over the years, but there doesn't seem to be much demand for it."

'If you stop writing all this rubbish that I bribed my way to the top I'll make it worth your while.'

"It's structured as a set of two parallel stories that no one would ever want to read."

Comes the Revolution Fairy Tales

'That's right Nick, I was Mary's little lamb, but that was a long time ago...'

"Tell me about your chimney sweeping, uncle."

"Hey, listen to this. A man was recently arrested at the mall after cops found a small package in his underwear."

"Do you see yourself becoming a movie in five years?"

"According to mom the answers are all in this book!" "Too bad there's no pictures at which to look!"

"Feel free to take notes."

'You're going to have your future cut out for you, reading bedtime stories.'

'Where was the TSA?'

Audio Books

"Finally, the alphabet is paying off."

"Siri, who’s the fairest of them all?"

"No sweetie, it’s a beurk not a book."

'First the dinosaurs, now this...'

Goodnight Moon for the Misbegotten

"How was I supposed to know that the apple was a controlled substance?"

Grizzly bears are gregarious animals.

Little Princess.

Eurydice is bitten by a snake

'Dad's bedtime story was decent, but the special effects were non-existent.'

'Put some feeling into it. I can't tell the difference between the lion and the mouse.'

Ant story: 'and so they worked all day and they worked all night and then they worked some more, the end.'

'He was a handsome young prince when I married him.'

"Let's see. Seuss... Seuss... Here we go. That's a medium box of bagels and lox and a pop on the rocks by seven o' clock."

'Tell us the story of Moses again -- I like the chase scene!'

"Customers who bought 'The Three Little Pigs' also bought...."

Biggles has a more staid adventure.

'Is this one of those deals where the names have been changed to protect the innocent?'

"What your memoir really needs is an addiction."

"Only one pailful? Did they have water restrictions like we do?"

'You were great at 'Daniel in the Lion's Den!' -- I'd sure like to hear you do 'The Three Little Pigs' sometime!'

"Oh,oh - here comes quality time again."