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'He tells a great story, but the truth is that he was drinking a mai tai, and the little umbrella poked him in the eye.'

The modern version.

Eurydice is bitten by a snake

"Do you see yourself becoming a movie in five years?"

Victor Hugo

"Feel free to take notes."

'You're going to have your future cut out for you, reading bedtime stories.'

'Where was the TSA?'

Audio Books

"Finally, the alphabet is paying off."

Goodnight Moon for the Misbegotten

'Dad's bedtime story was decent, but the special effects were non-existent.'

"How was I supposed to know that the apple was a controlled substance?"

Grizzly bears are gregarious animals.

Ant story: 'and so they worked all day and they worked all night and then they worked some more, the end.'

"What your memoir really needs is an addiction."

"And that's when the therapist suggested… exposure therapy!"

"The bear whose porridge was too hot...did he sue?"

See, Catty-O? I told you dinner was included with admission.

"Only one pailful? Did they have water restrictions like we do?"

'You were great at 'Daniel in the Lion's Den!' -- I'd sure like to hear you do 'The Three Little Pigs' sometime!'

This is the new Director's Cut version of Hansel and Gretel...with additional scenes and three alternative endings!!!

'Fyodor Dostoevsky sends weeks describing Alexy Karamazov's quest for a white whale, and then discards the entire chapter."

"This is what's known as a book."

A Witch Consults Her Magic Mirror

"You're writing a memoir? You're seven years old. Do you honestly think you can capture the interest of readers with such a short—wait, is that my name?!"

Cinderella and Charming the Clown

"I'm sad to hear everybody lived happily ever after. That means no sequels to this story."

Hansel and Gretal

"It's true, mommy...the chocolate bunny attacked me - it was self-defense!"

Jacques et Jille

'And the wicked stepmother looked into her smartphone and said, "Selfie, selfie in my face, who's the fairest in this place?"

Alberich steals the gold

"I'll bet she was worn out by the end of teacher's meeting day."

"Sorry Darling, you are fabulous, but I'm searching for MY Prince too!"