Storybook Satirists Gifts

"Not to be a killjoy, but this happened on our property. Are liable?"

"This isn't how the story went at all."

Cauliflower Red Riding Hood

A disgruntled employee chain-sawes hois boss's desk in two.Boss says:'Alright Smith, I'll stop referring to the employees as 'oopsy daisies'.'

"The little engine that could... after taking advantage of family connections, a trust fund, working two years for free as an intern, and finally getting hired as an independent contractor."

"#notguilty."

"Ever since the layoffs, I feel like we've been doing the work of twenty clowns."

"Your records indicate a great deal of early promise however you've apparently become old and bald."

The little engine that delegated

"Once upon a time there was a kind bank manager who found all the money lost in the global financial meltdown, brought world peace, stopped global warming, cured the common cold and discovered Julian Assange is Santa."

"You might want to save that for your blog."

'Looks like this part of the beach has been claimed.'

"That script of yours - I've never read such a load of cliched second-rate crap...It'll make us rich..."

"I didn't say I started jogging, I said blogging."

'I can't say I like your cavalier attitude Benson.'

'Who ordered twelve gross of aluminium buckets for the bailout?'

Table for two. Whom does sir think he's kidding? You're right table for one. Menu.

'And then the big bad wolf said, 'This, little piggy, is where the rubber meets the road.''

"It's true. God appeared to Trump in a dream and told him to run for president."

"I LOVE this business! Just when you think you've discovered our culture's lowest common denominator, along comes a crazy genius like you to show us how wrong our math was!"

'It's odd...when I was CEO of Phoenix Industries everybody laughed at my jokes, but since I've been retired, nobody does.'

Oliver Twist As Re-imagined in the Modern Boardroom.

Drone Baby Delivery

"This is Sweden, not Eden."

'And the Angel of the Lord said unto them, 'Go fill all thy shops with overpriced tat, stuff thyselves sill for four months and see if thou canst get away with calling it Christmas.'

'My biggest mistake was to make a 'death-bed confession'... then I made a full recovery!'

"Armstrong, why do we have Fourth of July decorations up? It's months away." "Exactly." "A true patriot loves his country regardless of the date." "A true patriot celebrates the founding of our corporatocracy every single day of the year, minion." "Some of the decorations are smeared with coffee grounds and banana peels." "A true patriot knows that one cafe's dumpster is another cafe's treasure."

Liberals' Wishful Thinking about Joe Biden

They stole your identity, but after seeing your credit score, they gave it back.

'Wow! Who knows what eroticism lurks in the heart of a sister.'

"The most common adverse vaccine reaction after the first dose is trying to get the second dose."

"First of all, I'd like to thank all of the little pumpkins who made this night possible."

'The prisons are full, so I'm sentencing you to marry Rosie O'Donnell.'

'I sculpt what I see, Miss Delsey.'

'Obama's trying to create the impression we're awash in guns! It's a conspiracy!!!'