Storybook Satirist Gifts

"This is Sweden, not Eden."

'And then the big bad wolf said, 'This, little piggy, is where the rubber meets the road.''

Pig: 'True, we live next door to a wolf. Fortunately he's Jewish.'

"Alice said the bottle had 'Drink Me' on the label but the only word I can see is Gin!"

"Er no, I've never tried nitrous oxide."

A disgruntled employee chain-sawes hois boss's desk in two.Boss says:'Alright Smith, I'll stop referring to the employees as 'oopsy daisies'.'

"International best seller! It's just a squirrel."

'Fyodor Dostoevsky sends weeks describing Alexy Karamazov's quest for a white whale, and then discards the entire chapter."

"#notguilty."

'Because the horned one commands them to, that's how!'

"Ever since the layoffs, I feel like we've been doing the work of twenty clowns."

"Aren't you the estate agent who sold us this house?"

"Your records indicate a great deal of early promise however you've apparently become old and bald."

"Once upon a time there was a kind bank manager who found all the money lost in the global financial meltdown, brought world peace, stopped global warming, cured the common cold and discovered Julian Assange is Santa."

How I met your mother

The little engine that delegated

William Makepeace Thackeray.

"If I had been on 'The Brady Bunch', which I wasn't, I'd have been Greg, whom I ain't"

"Your book stinks—we want to publish it."

"I didn't say I started jogging, I said blogging."

'I can't say I like your cavalier attitude Benson.'

"That script of yours - I've never read such a load of cliched second-rate crap...It'll make us rich..."

'Who ordered twelve gross of aluminium buckets for the bailout?'

'It's odd...when I was CEO of Phoenix Industries everybody laughed at my jokes, but since I've been retired, nobody does.'

'Sire, the peasants say you're just using them.'

'We're cutting you some slack because you just died but normally we frown on devil's food.'

"I LOVE this business! Just when you think you've discovered our culture's lowest common denominator, along comes a crazy genius like you to show us how wrong our math was!"

Oliver Twist As Re-imagined in the Modern Boardroom.

Arresting Adam and Eve

'I just read 'Moby Dick'...do you have anymore 'whale hate' literature?'

'... and make it look like an accident.'

"It's true. God appeared to Trump in a dream and told him to run for president."

Drone Baby Delivery

Waiting Room For Godot.

"Listen, kid - in the real world, great power comes with no responsibility whatsoever."