Storybook Collecting Gifts

"Okay, hold really still..."

"Go ahead and eat her, she's a pain in the a**."

Late night teddy reading

"Jack and Jill went up the hill to fetch a pail of water. Jack fell down, broke his crown and Jill said 'I told you so'."

"Well, what did you expect? They were both missing vital organs."

Papageno from The Magic Flute

"No writers were harmed or mistreated in the preparation of this story."

Fairy Library - Frontispiece to Jack and the Beanstalk

"My, grandma, what a big nose you have! Let's take a little off the sides."

The Poky Little Pupa.

Little Princess.

Beware of the crafty Kia bird of New Zealand.

Baby Einstein. Baby Frankenstein.

"... And this one needs a shot of vodka."

The Shed Mystery: 'Ah! There you are! Ok, that's enough...time to go ho...uh...wait...what the...?'

"Where the wild things were."

"Ever since you changed from a frog to a Prince you seem a little jumpy!"

"That's her - that's the girl who broke into our house! But her hair was 'goldier'."

Old Lady in shoe driving a footie (sock) car.

'Put some feeling into it. I can't tell the difference between the lion and the mouse.'

"If you insist on doing all the voices, Dad. Don't you think father bear should have a deeper voice than Goldilocks?"

"The doctor will be with you two in a second. As for you, I'd recommend a motivational speaker."

"Damn! I'm in the wrong fairy tale. This is the three little pig's house, not the three bear's!"

"It's a cow thing. You wouldn't understand."

The Optician At Home: "....And it didn't fit the other sister, either. Then Cinderella tried on the glasses, and she could see perfectly."

'I have a feeling we are not in Kansas anymore.'

'A coach would be nice. But vegetable will get me a BMW?'

"Do you have a good attorney or a bad attorney?"

Wicca Heritage Centre: Hansel and Gretel stayed here.

"Toadstool you say? No, this is snailstool now!"

Sleeping Beauty

"The third little pig is now a menopausal porker. I hate these hairs on my chinny chin chin."

Cinderella and Charming the Clown

Fairy Library - Cinderella Marries the Prince

“He’s timid, very shy. I rescued him from some wacko who tried to steal Christmas.”