Store Defender Gifts

"An impressive resume, General, but remember - department-store security is different from national security."

"O young, naive one...you must know the golden rule of the kitchen. To avoid the mother of all disrespects...never criticize the cooking of a family elder."

"Why don't you come get me? Oh that's right, you aren't allowed on the couch!"

"Always remember, sweetheart, that when the service is free, YOU'RE the product!"

'With the increase in hacking, the I.T. department has proposed sealing all of our data in blister packs.'

"Lori, go ahead and toss in 'Lolita.' Now, what's next?" "We'll need more lighter fluid." "'The Lottery' is devils work." "We must protect the children." "Book burning club"

"Don’t you eyeball me, Ed! That’s right, look down at the table. Only technicians who remember to back up the data can look at me! And if you start to cry I will fire you!"

Privacy Conference Security

"The date protection policy is all about access to information, and we all know information is POWER!"

'How do we know the NSA hasn't hacked your naughty list?'

Workers are running out of one door labeled 'Reactive Business Intelligence,' while another worker in the next room sits calmly behind a door with a sign that reads, 'Proactive Business Intelligence.'

Quadruple dark hot chocolate. Whoa, everything all right? Sure, yeah, great. I'm a journalist and writer in an era in which the printed word has been totally devalued by free distribution of information on the internet. Can I pay in prose? Point taken.

"They're worse than carpenter ants. We have hacker ants."

'I have the MRI scan of your brain. The right hemisphere is clogged with computer passwords.'

'We have to be forthright with the public. We have to have their confidence. We have to convince them we're working for the common good. Then we can invade their privacy.'

"Brutus! Attack with reasonable force!"

"No, I'm not writing a short story. That's my password."

'Gimme all your cache!'

Facial Recognition

Facebook/Cambridge Analytica Scandal

"Your call may be monitored by the CIA, NSA, Russians, Chinese, space aliens..."

'How long did you try before calling?'

'Invasion of privacy.'

'As long as the gov't has a printing press, all deposits federally insured.'

"I've invented a software application for protecting our personal data."

Upload Filter

"Please enter the last 4 digits of your SSN...or enter all 9. They're all over the dark web."

"We understand you're not happy with our privacy policy."

The six stages of hard drive death and dying.

'Remember not to shirk the paperwork.'

Man in office fencing with pieces of paper flying about

I defend to the death your right to say things I agree with.

I just realized how vulnerable I am to people who could hack my phone, my self-driving car, my tv, my garage door opener … So I bought a device called "Trojan Horse: that's supposed to protect me from all that. It connects to my wifi router. It monitors all my web traffic, all my connected devices, and ... well, I'm not exactly sure what it does, but it's supposed to keep the hackers out somehow. What did you say the device is called again? Now I don't worry about anyone hacking my toaster.

'Stop! That's no way to get data into the cloud.'

We all have our jobs to do here --- You guard against burglars and I'm the food critic.