Stone Age Gourmet Gifts

Pizza Carried Off On A Stick Like A Wild Animal

'This is one of our most recent vintages!'

'The heart and eyes feel nothing, but the stomach and ears are completely infatuated.'

"And I'm teaming that burned sausage up with a warm, flat local lager."

"Everything on our menu uses organic, locally sourced, graveyard-to-table ingredients."

"I just finished your manuscript and I found the ending delicious."

"I feel like we are the polyester of dairy products."

It turns out they don't go together so well,

'Waiter...my entrée fell over.'

The Main Types of Cheese

'You wanted to be a wine maker in the worst way, Paul - and you've succeeded.'

"Keep your glasses on. It will look like twice as much."

'I'm sure M'lady will appreciate the mashed potatoes. Our chef uses only grass-fed single-udder butter.'

To do before Saturday...

"I forgot to take a pic of the tacos."

Too much cilantro

"Grass...Grass and more damn grass... What I wouldn't give for a lightly poached Dover sole with a garlic infused tarragon sauce."

"The recipe said to let the chicken rest after it comes out of the oven!"

'Why, thank you. When they started the vineyard five generations ago, I heard they were shooting for freakin' awesome.'

Holiday Supplies

'Is this still America?'

Recipes from The Lying Gourmet

"I use broccoli rabe as a litmus test."

"Spoiler alert! If you read the specials, you'll find out the Chef's Surprise!"

"I'm afraid it's not cheese, it's 'cheese-like'."

Cheese

'This wine is dreadful - try some.'

"You ordered the organic, unprocessed, whole wheat spaghetti?"

Fly Tastings: 'Notice that hint of dog fur and then let that full bodied garbage finish unfold.'

"This place is famous for its short fiction about food."

'We have Vanilla, Chocolate and Strawberry on your choice of Cedar, Oak or Elm cone...'

Victorian Fast Food - 'I'll have the lark pie festooned with eels, a full stilton, two bottles of port,,,'

"The bagels are better in New York."

"We'd like the roasted homework for two. And fetch us a bottle of your finest toilet water."

'Cooking'