Stock Market Enthusiasts Gifts

"Yes, the planet got destroyed. But for a beautiful moment in time we created a lot of value for shareholders."

"The market was doing so well I decided not to hibernate this year."

'Are we watching business news or sports news?'

'The good news is I had a very good year.'

"Do we have a place for your portfolio's ashes?"

"O.K., don't e-mail this to anyone, but we're shorting black big time."

'Of course you lost money. The pharmaceuticals you invested in are all placebos.'

Stockmarket - Forty years a client and I'm still a small investor!

"New! The China Fund* *Note: some investors reported feeling greedy again in an hour."

"Everyone said we're crazy to hike a snake charmer, but he's out top fund manager."

Symbols of Wall St: bull, bear, Humpty Dumpty.

"Should we go to Target?"The one thing I've learned about investing is, timing is every. . . SMOOF!"

'One thing about a recession - it separates the men from the boys.'

Ideally, I'm looking for something with a happy ending.

'Relax, men, the stock market's gone back up.'

"Great News! We're finally on the Big Board."

'You will spend your life investing money and getting rich...then you will lose your marbles, and give it all away.'

'Will your stocks recover soon? How refreshing, sir - you still have a sense of humour.'

'Just seeing how my shears are doing...'

'Greenspan was back for a guest appearance. He didn't say it's gonna be a bear market. He said it's a beware market!'

'Oh well, instant fortune was declared illegal anyway.'

'...Suggest you put most of your money in accident insurance.'

'After twenty years the only thing I've learned from reading stock chars is that there is nothing to learn from reading stock charts.'

Baby buying shares

Group suicide.

'All I know is when it's the 'birds and bees' it's about sex; and when it's the 'bulls and bears' it's about money.'

Worst person to invest with...

'Markets fell on news that the Chinese said we had till Tuesday to pay everything back.'

Wife telling friend "I invested in some internet stocks" as husband sits in stocks

'I just got a profit warning from my blood circulation!'

Late Stage Capitalism and the Biosphere Engage in Some Meaningful Dialogue...

The day the stock market went UP.

Golly, �1m a year isn't too much. I don't know why your shareholders don't understand you.

'There's good news and bad news, J. B. - we now control 51% of this corporation's stock!'

"We need to reset our fiscal compass to the changing business horizon."