Wall Street Enthusiast Gifts

"Analysts blamed the market's volatility on computer-directed trading while computers blamed it on analyst-directed trading."

'And why is liquidity so important to you?'

'I just got back from Wall Street.'

'It was the best of investment times, it was the worst of investment times...' (A Tale of Two Markets).

'...But the good news is your old Enron stock has become a high-priced collectible!'

'The bonuses are in. You buy lunch, I'll buy the restaurant.'

'Like most fund managers, I consistently under-perform the market--but I do it with real flair.'

'Just this once, but I want a piece of the action.'

'How do you become a day trading millionaire? Easy, just start out as a day trading billionaire.'

'Psst. . . tell me about your 'obscene dividend' fund.'

'Where does he think he is - Wall Street?'

'I followed the old Wall Street adage and 'sold in May and went away.' That was in '74. Too bad there's no return adage.'

Investments: Hot Stocks For Clod Times.

'Maybe you should take in a partner. That's the third client to take your sign literally this week.'

'I probably spend about 95 of what I make on partying--the rest gets squandered.'

"'Plummet' is such a harsh term, Ms. Cousy. We prefer to say your stock hasn't been embraced by the street."

'Yes, I'm an institutional investor - In fact, I'm calling from one!'

"You want me to recommend that stock? It's done more reverse splits than the Rockettes."

"It seems to me it's a little unethical to recommend only ethical companies."

Bear Market

"Not to worry... It'll just be a slight correction."

'Never mind the price-to-earnings ratio. Just tell me if Warren Buffett is buying it or selling it.'

'I've been neutral on this stock for years. Now I'm even more neutral.'

"Yes, They're all fine thanks, Max - how's your portfolio?"

'Any stocks you can recommend?'

Caution: Falling brokers.

'Son, someday you're going to be short all of this.'

'Dow, Jones, Russell & Nikkei - Leading economic indicators.'

If only we could sell shares in doom and gloom.

"O.K., now Reed, Bruno, Parker & Van Patten, Inc., followed by Hanover, Norris, Upham, Wallace & Peck."

'Believe it or not there actually was a time when we accepted money for executing trades up to 5,000 shares.'

'Be happy you're not in the Mexican-bottled-water pit.'

Caution: Falling Businessmen - A Sign of the Times

A stripe of stockbrokers

Golly, �1m a year isn't too much. I don't know why your shareholders don't understand you.