Stick-up Historian Gifts

'I don't have the budget surplus ON me, dummy!'

Archimedes statue with a lever

"It was a lot more satisfying before 'catch and release.'"

"Let's have some fun kids, he says, let's play Easter Island."

"How the hell is that supposed to feed us?"

"Will thee not sayeth uncle?!"

'Okay, Noah...I'm going to tell you again. Listen very carefully this time.'

'This 'Hamlet' thing you're working on... Do you think you could write in a part for Lady Godiva?!'

Pun on Excalibur - Swiss Army knife appears from the lake.

Uses of a Dead Cat in History: The Pied Piper

"R.V. Lintel- Inventor of Polyroc

'Right - I'm going to sue the water company!'

A caveman attempting to make a cart

Ransom Library. Oh, that's just Henry … He's a history buff. Wild West.

"... No, when I say, 'you must let go of the past' I mean you must return that vase to the museum you took it from."

'I can not tell a lie concerning the cherry tree: mistakes were made. However, I must consult with my spin doctors before saying more.'

"They must be planning to do a real number on us. It looks like they've brought along an accountant."

Uses of a Dead Cat in History: The Graeae

"My book is actually about 12th century Etruscan pottery but I thought it might sell better if I aimed it at the children's market."

Scottish Independence: The Union Jock.

Hieroglyphic disco dancer

Mummy has set up a pulley system in his sarcophagus.

"You look good for your age."

You've got to stop getting all your history from Youtube and Netflix. Why? Because those are videos. People who make videos are making entertainment. It it's entertaining that means someone's constructed story. If it's a story, that means they left out or twisted whatever doesn't logically fit their narrative as told from one point of view. Accurate history would be completely illogical. Oliver Stone would disagree.

Useless-memory lane

Preserved head and mobile phone.

"This is your great-great-great grandfather Luis. He met your great-great-great-grandmother at the store where she worked. He was there to buy a lawn mower! She sold him a sheep. They hadn't invented law mowers."

Cat scratch fever

"I don't know about you, but ever since we invented language, I've been getting a lot less sex."

"You've really outdid yourself this time. A real masterpiece!"

Unexpected Help for the Colonists at the Boston Tea Party

A man searching an Egyptian tomb finds a Shriner hat and car.

Style

"Hydro density apparatus invention? Go away - I'm not disturbing his bath for that!"

Ancient man