Starting A New Health Regimen Gifts

'Never mind another doctor -- I'm referring you to the Bureau of Weights and Measures.'

"You think you can? Think again, mister. You know you can. Got that?"

"Good For You / Bad For You"

'If you give up alcohol, cigarettes, sex, red meat, cakes and chocolate, and don't get too excited, you can enjoy life for a few more years yet.'

Dietician to man: 'To address your spare tire we must first get in touch with your inner tube.'

'What distance! Pity it wasn't the hammer!'

Be Healthy

'Eat less. Drink less. Be merry more.'

Always empty your fridge before starting a diet.

Begin this high fiber diet slowly. Too fast and your co-workers may complain of a greenhouse effect.

See, eating healthy isn't so bad...."

Garlic Free Zone.

Making healthy substitutions at mealtime

'Take one of these diet pills every time you regain consciousness.'

'I won't tell my thighs if you don't..'

"Would you like me to give it to you straight or sugar-coated?"

"Carrots just didn't get me going anymore, so I switched to chocolate instead..."

Woman Weighing Herself on Two Scales.

'Please, could you me to Polish my diet!'

'I'm putting you on a 'whatever tastes good, don't eat it' diet.'

'Please help mommy lose some weight. She gets grumpy when she's on a diet that's not working.'

"How come portion control doesn't apply to broccoli?"

'However hard I try to lose weight, it always finds me again.'

Calorie averaging...With the oven-fresh trip-el burger, you get one French fry.

Joe's Weight Gain: 'Hey, Victoria...I like this diet you told me about yesterday...I just lost 2 more while we've been talking.'

''Exercise'? -- But I hate to eat and run!'

Attack of the 'health' foods

"Ack! This stuff's hard to eat!"

'This scale is gaining weight!'

Olive Oil

Woman on running machine next to a cake.

"I diet religiously. I eat what I want and pray I don't gain weight."

"If you follow my orders and break those bad habits, you'll be in as good a shape as you've never been."

'Look! A rock hard body in 90 days!'

"Well, Mr Eagle, coming to see me is the first positive step to get you to soar again..."