Stand-up Survivor Pillows

"Whoa, heh. Tough crowd."

'I'd like two pizzas, one with cheese and pepperoni and the other with cheese and sausage. One more thing, do you deliver?'

Why you've never heard of Ricky Rat.

'If we hadn't outsourced the staff, we could've eaten them.'

"You've tested positive for being awesome. Just kidding - it was negative."

'Those are a few jokes to loosen up the crowd first...how do you like 'em?'

Never pick a fight with a comedian.

"I'll now take some rambling, nonsensical statements from the audience."

"In closing, I'd just like to say you've been a great crowd, folks. Don't forget to tip your waitress, and I hope this final number breaks your heart the way show business broke mine."

"Come on guys, my jokes aren't that bad!"

'Prolonged sitting leads to death? What's up with that?'

'You are here' sign on desert island.

Bob Monkhouse

"What, no day spa? And you call this a luxury bunker."

'Bottled water or other non-carbonated diet beverage!'

'His dad was a standup. He's a quip off the old block.'

The only way I can get through a nudist convention.

"We both knew this day would come, Samantha... I'm leaving you and taking the kids."

"Now take my life-partner...please...take my life-partner!!"

'Fair play, Bill always knows when he's had enough.'

Randy, if you were stranded on an island, what's the one book you'd want to have along with you? Easy: Blood Meridian by Cormac McCarthy. It's got the perfect heft to knock coconuts out of trees. Well, I'd like to have How to Get off an Island, by Archie MacGuyver. That title's actually a metaphor for overcoming shyness. We really should have our own book review show.

'He doesn't get the jokes - he just laughs at the F-words.'

Now that we've invented language and bipedalism, we can do stand-up comedy!

"You're gonna love this guy's act. He's, like, 'not funny, funny, not funny.'"

"Don't even bother – this oasis only has two and a half stars."

"Sure he's cute, but we should have discussed this."

Russell Brand.

Republican Beach. . . Nature Preserve rule: EAT OR BE EATEN!

'See, it's of a joke on it. I call it the 'Comedy Club'.'

'Are you going anywhere near a chemist?'

"Thanks you've been a great audience, especially the guy in the third row with the great laugh."

"I'm the owner of Happy Pappy's comedy club. Here's my card. Call me."

'I just flew in from Los Angeles, and boy are my arms wings...!'

'I told you. I'll be home with dinner just as soon as it dies.'

'True but only in practice, not in principle.'