Stand-up Survivor Pillows

'I'd like two pizzas, one with cheese and pepperoni and the other with cheese and sausage. One more thing, do you deliver?'

'If we hadn't outsourced the staff, we could've eaten them.'

Never pick a fight with a comedian.

"You've tested positive for being awesome. Just kidding - it was negative."

"In closing, I'd just like to say you've been a great crowd, folks. Don't forget to tip your waitress, and I hope this final number breaks your heart the way show business broke mine."

"I'll now take some rambling, nonsensical statements from the audience."

"Come on guys, my jokes aren't that bad!"

'Prolonged sitting leads to death? What's up with that?'

'Bottled water or other non-carbonated diet beverage!'

'You are here' sign on desert island.

"What, no day spa? And you call this a luxury bunker."

'His dad was a standup. He's a quip off the old block.'

The only way I can get through a nudist convention.

"We both knew this day would come, Samantha... I'm leaving you and taking the kids."

"Don't even bother – this oasis only has two and a half stars."

"You're gonna love this guy's act. He's, like, 'not funny, funny, not funny.'"

"Sure he's cute, but we should have discussed this."

"Now take my life-partner...please...take my life-partner!!"

'He doesn't get the jokes - he just laughs at the F-words.'

'Are you going anywhere near a chemist?'

'True but only in practice, not in principle.'

'See, it's of a joke on it. I call it the 'Comedy Club'.'

Republican Beach. . . Nature Preserve rule: EAT OR BE EATEN!

'Phew, now, where can i plug my mobile in?'

"I'm increasing your OnlyFan subscription..."

Fear of Public Speaking

'I just flew in from Los Angeles, and boy are my arms wings...!'