Stand-up Savant Pillows

Extinction of the dinosaurs fully explained

Sign: 'Welcome to Fernbanks. Beneath our quaint Norman Rockwell-ish exterior beats a big-box chain store heart, ready to sell out at the drop of a hat.'

'It's cheaper than gas.'

'Incredibly Inexpensive Sound Engineers. Pretty Good Sound Engineers, 12 the price, 23 the quality. You'll hardly notice the occasional feedback.'

Binge Watch

'Apologists today said little white lies -- but not the big lie -- may have played a part in Iraq Policies....'

"Good evening several times and welcome to QI. As usual I'll be asking a series of quite interesting questions and some comedians will be doing a lot of knob and fart gags. It's a winning formula!" "Don't knock it. No one likes knockers!" "Speak for yourself!" "Was that an entendre? I'll have a double." "Mine's a large one!"

Pyramid builders make the Statue of Liberty.

"You've tested positive for being awesome. Just kidding - it was negative."

'Theaters from Hell' 'We have no sound engineers, so no there's not a good seat in the house.'

"Actually, I think it's a cluster of SCUD missiles heading our way!"

Johnson allows the Delta variant to run wild in Britain

"It's not carrots but the love of carrots that's the root of all evil."

The breakup

"The Treasury is fairly sure that the figures in the budget are correct, they might just not be in the right order!"

Failure is no an option: "I'd now like to speak on the topic of government bailouts!"

Trawling for Fish.

"I'll now take some rambling, nonsensical statements from the audience."

Office of the PR of the United States

'Prolonged sitting leads to death? What's up with that?'

"Come on guys, my jokes aren't that bad!"

The Good Breathing Guide

'I might even change my views on genetics research if scientists could genetically engineer supreme court appointees!'

Let's tell the folks in the Garlic Belt there's no budget for steps 2 and 3.

"Rumours of a crisis in the NHS are groundless...Spending is up by 2%, management ratios down by 62%..."

'Marketing reports they're fooled all of the people all of the time.'

'We need to change our marketing strategy.'

The Music Lover.

'If you're going to stare at that thing all day, at least watch something educational,,, like Japan,'

'His dad was a standup. He's a quip off the old block.'