Stallion Satirist Gifts

'He thinks he's so hot but, personally, I'd rather be artificially inseminated.'

"I condensed my painting to the pure essence of the message. What helps me a lot is the fact that I've got nothing to say at all."

The little engine that delegated

'..The wolves have got the sheep pinned against their own 1-yard line again!'

You're on, caller. What's your problem?! The Oscars were so very, very boring. You decided to sit in front of your tv for four hours watching rich people give themselves awards. YOU DON'T DESERVE TO BE ENTERTAINED, LOSER! They're coming out with a new show called "Watching Celebrities Cash Their Checks." You'd probably enjoy that. Get professionally berated at asksadie@rudypark.com.

'Secondhand smoke.'

The camouflage in vietnam was more comfortable

"It's right here… Nov. 29th, 1981, at Elaine's… twelve percent."

"Wait a minute! This is a copy of 'TV Guide.' "

'Before we begin, let's say a little prayer for humility.'

"Well done, doctor. I've never seen a phone removed from a hand so skillfully before."

Sunset Romance

"Due to unforeseen circumstances, there will be no delays on the subway today."

Valuation of Heaven

Stay at home

Everyone knew it was a hideous style, but nothing was ever said.

Cops on trains: 'Is that a truncheon, or are you just pleased to see me?'

"I promise that this will be the last time that Daddy will ask you to help him post his resume online."

'It was wishful thinking when they called me 'Flash': I've never won a race in my whole life...'

"Ahem, if you're planning to rob the place could you please get a move on."

Obscure Constellations

"Who wants to talk to Santa? Anyone? Hello?"

"He needs his five-a-day."

"Oh God, beards are so passe."

'Just sayin' it was a lot more relaxing around here before they invented ‘the Cloud.''

'When is break time around here?'

Slower than a rubber-tipped arrow,as powerful as a wind-up choo-choo, unable to step over his shoelaces, it's Copyright Free Man!

"Bad timing – he's in one of his Old testament moods today."

Hague Convention Defied! Lachrymosing the British by Onion-whittling under Cover of Night.

"Be honest: Does this shirt make me look like a blockhead?"

"Hey! If you're gonna use the ladies tee that skirt goes below the knees. And lose the tank top, mister."

"I just don't get these reality shows!"

'The brakes aren't working because of 'mechanical fatigue'...The escalator isn't working because of 'mechanical fatigue'...why don't you walk up?'

"Pop quiz: On vacation, if Josh and Sophie looked up from their phones four times, how many times did their mom wish they stayed home?"

"A million prayers a day with not a single self-addressed stamped envelope. And they wonder why there's never an answer."