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"I seem to have forgotten what I was going to say...please...hold the applause!"

Ballerina

"An actor, you say? Guess you caught the acting-like-a-waiter bug."

"It's not face paint. I'm transitioning into a snow leopard."

Passed over at the Inaugural Poetry Audition

"Do you think that will count as our 'Fifteen minutes of fame'?"

Come on! They're posting the spring musical. I can't wait! I want a romantic part! With and elegant gown. Good luck with that! We're doing "Cats."

"Does my bum look big in this aria?"

'After years of practicing in empty theaters, Horace's dream of becoming a soft-shoe dancer seemed as remote as ever.'

Mensa Does Improv

"Or we could raise your profile by coming out with that pimple on the end of your nose."

Spiro & Pusho illusionists

Humanities 101. I hear you're reading Greek plays in there. Yeah, it's a real Medea blitz!

'I'm a star!'

"Thank you, Mr. Mulvaney, but what we're really looking for is someone with talent."

'Is there a psychiatrist in the house - the cast is very depressed over opening night reviews!'

Maps to the homes of guys with friends who know some of the limo drivers of the personal trainers of the stars.

"Take my advice; speak softly but carry a big shtick."

'We had to donwsize.'

Chekov play and scorecard,

'Most of all, I'd like to thank god. . .'

Performance In The Bedroom

'I saw an offbeat play the other night. No one took off their clothes.'

"You'll regret saying that, I'll get my own back in tomorrow's performance - you'll never work again!"

"For my next trick, I'll require an audience."

"No, it hasn't anything to do with my presentation. But wait until you see how I hold everyone's attention with it sitting next to me at the podium."

TV stage door

'Barry I think it's time you had your eyes checked!'

Actor talking to unimpressed child

"Is there a rabbit in the house?"

'Take a picture...it'll last longer.'

'6 One-Act Plays By 6 World Leaders'

I think I need new glasses. I swear I just saw a tiny man jump off your bridge.

'I told you I'd make you a star.'

"Ok, ok, how's everyone feeling tonight besides a thousand dollars poorer?"