Staffing Shortage Satirist Gifts

"We're a bit understaffed today, could you be 6 people?"

'Yes, can I help you?'

"The boss likes people with strong convictions. You're hired."

Suggestions box in a toilet.

'You're in luck - we do have a temporary position in advertising'.

Career Analyst "Well I've looked at your file and yes, your job is rubbish"

'We can't move in with my parents - they've moved in with grandma!'

'We've replaced the hiring bonus and the health coverage with a promise of a job.'

'We heat the entire building by burning resumes.'

"I hate doing appraisals, it involves thinking about them."

When staffing agencies screw up.

'W e e e l l . . . my mum says I'm good at testing the patience of saints'

"Of course there is still a lot of stigma attached to being undead, I hardly ever get past the interview stage."

'I'm looking for someone to bask in my glow.'

Forecasters are two a penny. Supply exceeds demand.

'I like your appearance. I'm sure we can find you a place in the company.'

"He's our newest partner, we can't afford to be as selective as we used to be."

Right,so you're looking for someone with magic circle experience in M&A ,litigation and finance with a set of blue chip clients and the freedom to work ANYWHERE...would you like them to walk on water and turn water into wine as well?

"Of course there are some advantages to working here...we have a Food Bank situated conveniently at the end of the street!"

'Can you dance?'

"I feel like I got a lot accomplished today."

"I've got to be honest. It's going to be hard to find you a position that offers 40 days of personal time."

"You remind me very much of myself when I was your age, Carter, and there is no way that this company would employ such a person."

"Our plan is to hire the first person we find not under federal investigation."

Resignations/Applications

"I called you back for a second interview to show you the origami I make with your résumé."

Job Centre: Settle for Early Retirement.

Personnel - "I liked the one that saluted."

"Your resume looks good, but I'm not seeing any DNA data."

Nation of Has-Beens (and Never-Will-Bes)

"I'm afraid you may be overqualified for the shelf-stacking role."

The Job Offer

'The boss came up and said, 'there are too many guys named Kevin around here' and so - I was fired!'

'We're really looking for an applicant who's got more snip, snail and puppy dog tail.'

...becoming a restaurant critic