Squeamish Savant Gifts

"I'm sending you to someone who's less squeamish."

"I'm expert at sniffing out blame."

'I'll have you know sir, that we used the finest columbian coffee beans in that dishwater.'

The dumpster code - find something, leave something.

'Dang! I never now if the sommelier is messing with me.'

'It's cheaper than gas.'

"All dishes marked with an asterisk are served with sarcasm. . ."

"I've written the employees' benefit manual in invisible ink"

Somewhere in France - The Eliot sisters come face to face with escargots.

'Theaters from Hell' 'We have no sound engineers, so no there's not a good seat in the house.'

So that's it? I've tweeted a risque photo of my bicep. What happens next? We wait for the outpouring. I'm ready. Bring on the outrage. C'mon media! Let's hear your disgust that some old man would brazenly send such a lascivious photo. Then, with the world looking at me, I'll astound them with my idea of a universal health care system! Wait. Wait. Not yet. it's time for my first nap of the day. Can we do this later? What? Zzzzz. Best way for this to end.

"Your sense of humor has gone from dry to arid. . ."

Failure is no an option: "I'd now like to speak on the topic of government bailouts!"

Trawling for Fish.

"Thank you, Nathaniel. I think you, too, are a very scary young lawyer."

"In my client's defence, the label on the bottle clearly read, 'rat poison'...not 'people poison'."

'You're new here, aren't you?'

Barbed Pen

'You're excused. Anyone else feel too squeamish to witness the procedure?'

That's weird - every time I call the self-help hotline, it goes straight to my voicemail.

"Rumours of a crisis in the NHS are groundless...Spending is up by 2%, management ratios down by 62%..."

'When I drink, I don't drive my car.'

"He tried living in the fast lane, but he didn't like it, so now he just sleeps all day."

Tarzan mobile phone

The Music Lover.

"What's the first letter of the alphabet?"

"Those are all my passwords."

Female parking space

"Oh! I thought that was our party manifesto..."

"Papers late again, Murphy?"

"Would it kill you to ask me how I'm doing once and a while?"

'This has been his most productive day ever. I almost hate to wake him.'

"I once mistakenly thought I was dating someone for a whole month because I couldn't tell his texts were sarcastic."

It was supposed to be a friendly takeover?

Compete with This