Squeamish Savant Pillows

"I'm sending you to someone who's less squeamish."

"I'm expert at sniffing out blame."

'I'll have you know sir, that we used the finest columbian coffee beans in that dishwater.'

The dumpster code - find something, leave something.

'Dang! I never now if the sommelier is messing with me.'

'It's cheaper than gas.'

"All dishes marked with an asterisk are served with sarcasm. . ."

"I've written the employees' benefit manual in invisible ink"

Somewhere in France - The Eliot sisters come face to face with escargots.

'Theaters from Hell' 'We have no sound engineers, so no there's not a good seat in the house.'

Trawling for Fish.

Failure is no an option: "I'd now like to speak on the topic of government bailouts!"

"Your sense of humor has gone from dry to arid. . ."

"Thank you, Nathaniel. I think you, too, are a very scary young lawyer."

"In my client's defence, the label on the bottle clearly read, 'rat poison'...not 'people poison'."

"He tried living in the fast lane, but he didn't like it, so now he just sleeps all day."

'You're excused. Anyone else feel too squeamish to witness the procedure?'

"Rumours of a crisis in the NHS are groundless...Spending is up by 2%, management ratios down by 62%..."

'When I drink, I don't drive my car.'

Barbed Pen

The Music Lover.

'You're new here, aren't you?'

"What's the first letter of the alphabet?"

"Oh! I thought that was our party manifesto..."

"Those are all my passwords."

"Papers late again, Murphy?"

"Would it kill you to ask me how I'm doing once and a while?"

Female parking space

'This has been his most productive day ever. I almost hate to wake him.'

"I once mistakenly thought I was dating someone for a whole month because I couldn't tell his texts were sarcastic."

It was supposed to be a friendly takeover?

Rude Cactus