Spouse Banter Pillows

'Behind every successful man there's a woman, telling him he isn't successful enough.'

"Whoa. There's a huge crack down here." "Tell me about it."

'I only got up for a drink of water, and a queue's formed next to my bed.'

'The rain must have made our garage shrink...'

"Do you think we should get a pet?"

'I've been offered early retirement but my wife won't let me take it.'

"Sure, you're an elephant, but you're not at all elephantine."

'What seems to be the problem?'

"Well done Carson! This could be the answer to our bed shortage problems!"

'Bill gets so irritable when he can't go hunting that I prefer to keep him heavily sedated until deer season comes around!'

"Well, I thought installing a kitchen faucet without having to call the plumber was a pretty good 'praise'."

'We were playing doctor until she hit me with a malpractice suit!'

"I never thought I'd see the day when Mummy would pat you on the head."

"Wake up Jeff. You're snoring again!"

"I love you but I love my chocolate fudge sundae more."

"Ever notice that you finish my sentences and. . ."

Old husband is knitted over by old wife.

'My marriage has improved since I don't wake up grumpy every morning. Now I just let him sleep late.'

'Always arguing, questioning, no patience, no respect for authority...'

'You're totally unreasonable.'

'Why am I not allowed to use this agricultural road, officer? My wife always calls me 'stupid ox''!

"He was twelve when we first met. Now, he;s twenty one... Stone, that is."

"If you don't want me to sound like that when I imitate you, then don't sound like that when you talk to me."

'I must be in my second childhood -- my wife keeps sending me to bed without supper.'

STILL LIVES - Apple half: 'Hi, I'd like you to meet the other half...'

"My wife complains so much about being a golf widow I've set a date for her funeral."

'Keep off.'