Spouse Banter Lover Gifts

'Why am I not allowed to use this agricultural road, officer? My wife always calls me 'stupid ox''!

Give us a drink that says "we're in love." Oh no, not again. Today's Special. Latte + 1hr web $12.50. We're back together. We're celebrating. Give us my darling pudding pie's favorite drink. A cinnamon mocha latte with a peppermint lollipop swizzle stick. Excuse me?! That is not my favorite drink ... dear. My favorite drink is a cinnamon mocha latte with a spearmint lollipop swizzle stick ... dear. I am so sorry ... snookums. How could I have possibly been so heartless and thoughtless as to con

Freudian Bar & Grill...Jungian Pub: 'We can out drink those Freudians ant day of the week!...'And twice on Sunday!' ...'Yeah!' ... e

"I just edited your Wikipedia entry." "Big whoop." "What a coincidence, that's what scientists have classified you as: Bigwhoop." "...The much grumpier, much louder, and much, much older second cousin of Bigfoot." "You lousy son of a..." "Wait... thank you. That's very flattering."

"Whoa. There's a huge crack down here." "Tell me about it."

An Archeologic Dig

"Where do you see yourself in five pints time?"

Happy Hour 5-7. (Not really an hour, not really happy.) At last, truth in advertising.

'No, you don't have hemorrhoids. You have a case of himorrhoids, has your husband been a pain in the butt, lately?'

"Whadd ya wanna be for Halloween, Bro?"

Sigh. They never ask me to play.

When Stupid People Get an Idea

The Gilmore Girls

"Why, Mr. Conly, I do believe you're trying to get me hydrated."

Cold caller.

'The rain must have made our garage shrink...'

'Sure you always catch bigger fish than me. Your arms are a foot longer than mine.'

'You're trying to find yourself? -- No offense, but if I were you, I'd look for somebody ELSE.'

"That's okay, I lost my wife years ago. Worst poker hand I ever played."

"Tom, we've started a little office pool on how long it'll take me to get your job. Want in?"

"Your Honor, I would like the record to state that Mr. Katzman is a 'hostile witness'."

"I can't use the computer tonight -- Dad has to scroll to his year of birth."

"I may have bird legs but at least I don't have crow's feet."

Can't stand him. He really gets on my nerves, he does. Old curmudgeon embarrassing himself like that."

'Here comes Ted.'

STILL LIVES - Double Head Match: 'I think we're a match made in heaven.' 'It seems more like the the work of the Devil to me!'

"I'll have a Maker's Mark, and she'll have a shot at being the mother she never was."

'The part I like best about sex is when I light a cigarette and say next.'

"Some prop-forward he's turned out to be."

'I do hope you enjoy your birthday lie-in, dear.'

Wake up! You're hogging all the nails again.

'Have we met someplace? Yes, that's why I quit going there.'

"When we get inside, remember to use your indoor whining and complaining voice."

'Oh, yeah?...Well, no one has to follow me around with a pooper-scooper.'

'You can't make a wit out of two half wits.'