Sports Program Aficionado Gifts

'Because it's a wedding program. It's not supposed to list everyone's height and weight.'

"Portrait of a Lady"

Oscar would laugh whenever he recalled his empty existence before golf.

"Good game, good game, nice game, namaste, good game, nice game ..."

"Now we move over to the sports desk."

'Fancy a game of five-a-side, boys?'

'When I'm not thinking about me, the Giants, the Knicks or the Yankees, I'm thinking about us.'

'He's got classic form, but if he doesn't improve his grades he won't get into college. He doesn't think.'

'I won't be coming to church any more, Reverend -- I've decided to convert to golf.'

'You haven't heard the best thing. . .no referees.'

"And now, since our local teams really stink, here are scores for actual good teams around the country that you might want to root for."

"Lord Stanley's Cup...and Bailey"

The Harper Plays Cricket.

Cristiano Ronaldo

First Prize!

'He's missed six goals today. I bet he could kick himself.'

Fox hunting.

'Yo, Corona! Pack your stuff! You've been traded.'

I see he's still "working" from home.

Multitasking executive dog

"I need to buy a faster fastball."

"Depressed, anxious, worried about the future we've had a great deal of this recently...I'd suggest you avoid watching England for a while."

"Yes, it's a sports related injury. He dropped his bowling ball."

'It took some doing, but we got your name on!'

Football.

101 uses of a dead cat: spring board.

"It was your father's idea - He can't bear to miss a second of the game."

"So it was a performance enhancing drug."

"Would you like something by an over promoted high-price athlete or a nobody from Jersey?"

Soccer player being showered with toilet roles and a toilet.

'Fantastic!Stupendous!Masterly!Mind blowing!Polished!Unbeatable!Amazing!Incredible! Out of this world!...a performance that's left me speechless.'