Sports News Gifts

"And now, since our local teams really stink, here are scores for actual good teams around the country that you might want to root for."

Baseball Cheating

"I always forget what an expert I am in curling."

"Now we move over to the sports desk."

United Football Club: In, Out, VAR.

No Baseball

'Me? Dislocated thumb from switching channels to catch all the Olympic events. . .'

"Now that you've won the Super Bowl what will you do next?"

"It evened out, for every free kick they got, we had one against us."

"Well I didn't see the incident myself.."

The commentators want to run the officials...

Rollerblader wears a cast and has wheels on crutches

'You're on Deck! Wilson! Hurry up with that pedicure!'

". . . and that dumb Mrs. Parker could have figured I had the Ace, King and Jack, but no, she goes ahead bidding in hearts. . ."

'Charles is a linguist. He speaks three language...golf, baseball and football.'

"Business has picked up since we introduced short term cryogenic stays for the football off season."

'Fantastic!Stupendous!Masterly!Mind blowing!Polished!Unbeatable!Amazing!Incredible! Out of this world!...a performance that's left me speechless.'

"Well, Mom, I guess you saw what happened."

'Our sabermetrics guy has confirmed that last year's team that went 60-102 was bad.'

'As you can see - it doesn't pay to badmouth the quarterback.'

"All the atmosphere of 'Murray Mound' but in the comfort of your own home!"

Free Speech has heavy price.

'A ground ball to deep short, handled beautifully by Santana...'

"How do you know he was offsides? How do you know anything? Isn’t it possible this is all a dream?!"

'He's even better when he takes the cue out of it's case.'

'No way, man! Murphy isn't worth anywhere near the 3.5 million they're paying him!'

Meet Larry; tenor, baritone, philosopher, social commentator, sport analyst, political expert, relationship expert … and A+ certified plumber.

'I'm proud of the lads. They show'd a lot of character coming back from one down. . . then two or three silly goals. . . At this level you get punished. But overall I thought we were a bit unlucky. . .'

'Thank you for calling the bullpen,,, To continue in English, Press one,,,'

'Lenny NEVER had any problems with cramped seats at football games - like most people do.'

"A four-year, $60 million contract and he can't even do a decent end-zone dance!"

'... And now, the sports gossip.'