Sports News Prints

"And now, since our local teams really stink, here are scores for actual good teams around the country that you might want to root for."

Baseball Cheating

News and Magazines. Celebrity gossip. Sports scandals. Political bickering. We're out of the "information age" and well into the "too much information age"!

"Now we move over to the sports desk."

"I always forget what an expert I am in curling."

United Football Club: In, Out, VAR.

No Baseball

'Me? Dislocated thumb from switching channels to catch all the Olympic events. . .'

Sport: Crisis in the Real Madrid.

"It evened out, for every free kick they got, we had one against us."

"Now that you've won the Super Bowl what will you do next?"

"Well I didn't see the incident myself.."

The commentators want to run the officials...

Rollerblader wears a cast and has wheels on crutches

'You're on Deck! Wilson! Hurry up with that pedicure!'

". . . and that dumb Mrs. Parker could have figured I had the Ace, King and Jack, but no, she goes ahead bidding in hearts. . ."

'Charles is a linguist. He speaks three language...golf, baseball and football.'

"Business has picked up since we introduced short term cryogenic stays for the football off season."

"Well, Mom, I guess you saw what happened."

Red State Football

'Fantastic!Stupendous!Masterly!Mind blowing!Polished!Unbeatable!Amazing!Incredible! Out of this world!...a performance that's left me speechless.'

'Our sabermetrics guy has confirmed that last year's team that went 60-102 was bad.'

'A ground ball to deep short, handled beautifully by Santana...'

Free Speech has heavy price.

He had finally calculated that the Cubs would win the Series.

"How do you know he was offsides? How do you know anything? Isn’t it possible this is all a dream?!"

'As you can see - it doesn't pay to badmouth the quarterback.'

"All the atmosphere of 'Murray Mound' but in the comfort of your own home!"

'He's even better when he takes the cue out of it's case.'

'No way, man! Murphy isn't worth anywhere near the 3.5 million they're paying him!'

Meet Larry; tenor, baritone, philosopher, social commentator, sport analyst, political expert, relationship expert … and A+ certified plumber.

Doping

'Lenny NEVER had any problems with cramped seats at football games - like most people do.'

'... And now, the sports gossip.'

"A four-year, $60 million contract and he can't even do a decent end-zone dance!"