Sports Headline Grabber Gifts

'Have a butcher's at the back page, Moses - see how Roma got on against Juventus.'

"I always forget what an expert I am in curling."

"Now we move over to the sports desk."

'And at what stage did you realise the ball you were heading was on the TV?'

United Football Club: In, Out, VAR.

'Me? Dislocated thumb from switching channels to catch all the Olympic events. . .'

No Baseball

"Well I didn't see the incident myself.."

"And now, since our local teams really stink, here are scores for actual good teams around the country that you might want to root for."

The commentators want to run the officials...

'Charles is a linguist. He speaks three language...golf, baseball and football.'

'Fantastic!Stupendous!Masterly!Mind blowing!Polished!Unbeatable!Amazing!Incredible! Out of this world!...a performance that's left me speechless.'

"Business has picked up since we introduced short term cryogenic stays for the football off season."

'We're here to talk to your son about his website...'

Red State Football

Gossip columns: 'And rumour has it that singer, Kelli B is said to be in shock after finding out longtime boyfriend, actor Todd Korfull, has been having an affair with, now get this, KELLI'S agent!! YEEOUCH!...' A column talking

Free Speech has heavy price.

Baseball Cheating

'As you can see - it doesn't pay to badmouth the quarterback.'

'He's even better when he takes the cue out of it's case.'

'Lenny NEVER had any problems with cramped seats at football games - like most people do.'

'No way, man! Murphy isn't worth anywhere near the 3.5 million they're paying him!'

'I'm proud of the lads. They show'd a lot of character coming back from one down. . . then two or three silly goals. . . At this level you get punished. But overall I thought we were a bit unlucky. . .'

'... And now, the sports gossip.'

"I thought they decided who was the best team last year?"

"A four-year, $60 million contract and he can't even do a decent end-zone dance!"

"The post-season coverage ended yesterday. This is the pre-season coverage."

Throwing the syringe.

"I'm working on a new way to lose a football game." "Never mind, I'm sure whatever it else, the Browns have already patented it."

'The sports seasons never end, now with all his fantasy leagues.'

'He's okay otherwise, but I get sick and tired of hearing about his lifetime batting average of .325.'

'Alright, gentlemen, I think we'll dispense with 'cheese'...'

"The hardest thing about winning bouts? The other guy's fists."

Jimmy Hill

"Look! Look! I could do that and what would I get? Plenty of earache, that's what! And would I deserve it, I'll say! Tsk!"